Stupidity – or pretend stupidity. I am not sure which is worse.
Ignorance of life, Ignorance of the cost their actions have on others.
Laziness and no consideration for others or their property.
That about sums up the latest. My daughters exemplify these 3 traits daily. I pray this is just a teenager thing. I thought it was impossible for them to shock me or surprise me at this point but I was wrong. The increased lack of care for where they live and who they cause havoc has hit a new level of shock, surprise and disappointment.
And you know what is sad? It’s all small crap. Like…
What is it about my daughter’s desire and obsessiveness, that she needs to waste and empty every cleaner, deodorizer, air freshener, etc. that I purchase and bring into our home? Every time I go for a cleaner it’s empty… or close to empty. I can buy a bottle of carpet cleaner, pinesol, Lysol, bleach cleaner, it doesn’t matter.. and within a week, maybe two if I am lucky, it will be gone. And NOTHING will be cleaned with it. I bought 2 cans of air freshener and a bottle of natures miracle (for pet smells) and they are all empty. I bought them less than 3 weeks ago. I have no idea what she uses them for. It’s irritating because when I need them they aren’t there and also there is the money factor. My money tree in the backyard died. So when she wastes things, and doesn’t seem to even think about who bought it and how will it get replaced, I get angry.
My other daughter acts like she is severely mentally challenged. Mostly when she doesn’t want to be held accountable or responsible for things. Then she suddenly doesn’t remember, didn’t know, didn’t think it was a big deal…etc. One time she actually told me she, doesn’t like/want to think on her own. She wants me to give her instructions on anything I want from her. So, if there is a monster pile of shit in the middle of the floor, she would leave it there unless I specifically told her to clean it. Also I’d have to tell her what to use to clean it, or she’s grab something in appropriate to clean it. (like a good bath towel rather then paper towel) And then where to put it. And yes, I’d even have to tell her to take it outside to the garbage can or she would put it in the house and let it continue to kill us with the stench.
Blowing off their responsibilities with attitude and defiance and then 5 minutes later holding out a hand going, “mom I want…”, “Mom can I go…”, “Mom can I do…” Plus they actually expect to get what they are wanting and tend to act surprised and shocked like innocent victims when we tell them no.
Please… Please let this just be a stage. Otherwise I might be forced to sell them at auction.
We have 2 cats. One of them is almost 18 years old. She’s not doing well. She’s underweight for sure. I am pretty sure we’re on the road to the end with her. She’s been with us so long that my husband and I are obviously upset. Even so, Rick and I disagree right now where she is concerned. I feel we should end her suffering and put her down. Rick feels that she isn’t suffering and I should leave it be. He’s argument is that she still eats and drinks and comes for attention. My argument is she looks, to me, like something out of “Pet Cemetery” (a movie by Stephen King) If she weighs 2-3 lbs I’d be surprised. She’s all skin and bones, literally. She’s lost her fur in random places. She doesn’t clean herself very well anymore. She looks uncomfortable and to me it would seem logical that she’d be in pain since she has no fat reserves to cushion her. Rick doesn’t believe she is in pain, he says she’s walking and moving just fine.
She is his baby, way more than she was ever mine. You know how animals pick that one person and that’s their “main squeeze.” (snicker) Well she chose him and our other cat chose me. So I understand why he’s not ready to let her go. And I feel horribly guilty even suggesting it to him. At the same time I find myself to be a bit resentful too. Because she keeps messing around the house. We can’t leave anything lying on the floor and that includes rugs and shoes. I don’t know why but she’s pretty much stopped using the liter box. And that’s huge. This is a cat who would use that liter box no matter what. It could be one solid mount of pee-hardened liter and she’s climb on top of the mountain and go. So her refusal to use it now is shocking and confusing.
We discovered she made a BIG mess behind our couch. Again! So I moved the couch today and began the cleaning process. I pulled out all of the stops this time; except to call in the Hazmat team.I think I won this war. The carpet is clean and smell free. The only bad part is that right now I can only smell one thing, bleach!
I know on many levels this isn’t her fault. She’s old and sick and if she was herself she would never be messing around the house. I try to remind myself of that. I do not want to hurt my husband unnecessarily and I also do not want her to suffer. It’s a bad spot to be sitting in. Right now I am taking peace in the knowledge that my home isn’t smelling. And what to do about her is going to have to wait for another day.
No, Not my real house. My husband would be glad to hear that, right? LOL! Probably not. But I am rambling again aren’t I?
I just spent more time then I would like to admit cleaning up my blog and it’s posts. Lots of behind the scenes sort of stuff. Gosh it was disorganized and messy back there. I have had a blog of one sort or another for 6 years. And I have had this blog for 5 years. I am blown away when I say that out loud. I am glad that… the times I thought about closing this site down… that I didn’t. I really need this blog. Each year that passes I find I need it more and more. My safe place.
Making my blog more organized and cleaning up posts I never finished has actually been fun. I can’t believe how many posts I left hanging out in the draft folder to collect dust. It’s been a nice walk through the past thoughts in my mind. It’s funny the things I laugh about and get upset over. One of my best qualities is the ability to laugh at myself, lol.
I hope that in 5 more years I will have tons to laugh about and remember then too.
Well the verdict is that Rick’s boss is just… well.. not in the best mood lately. (to put it nicely) He has apparently become alienated from his entire staff and none of them feel good about coming to work anymore. He makes them all walk on eggs shells constantly wondering if they are going to get the axe. And we are all going… Wahhh! While also shaking our heads in confusion, because this isn’t the man we know. Even I had been around Rick’s boss enough to get to know him. And this isn’t in his normal character. At least not from what I have seen through the years. I am wondering if we should do an intervention or maybe just check his house for seedpods. (It’s a reference to the movie, Body Snatchers. My mom and I use this to help explain why teens suddenly go crazy at age 13.)
At this point no one can feel secure of their job. That’s a common theme all over the country. And it’s hit home at Rick’s place of employment now too. For my husband’s sanity and health I really hope the stress level around there drops a bit.
Last April we had some tense moments with my husband’s job. While we were on vacation out of state, some crap went on at his work, and when we returned and he went to work no one seemed to be on the same page as to what was going on. Somehow in all the confusion my husband was accused of being involved with the crap that happened while we were gone. Obviously that was impossible since… we were gone, lol. But nevertheless it was a scary time because good people were losing their jobs every day. The economy sucks right now. And my husband is the bread winner around here. He’s the man that brings in the moolah. The idea of losing the income that keeps the roof over our heads and the food in our bellies is a very scary thing.
Of course Rick was worried sick and was feeling that pressing guilt at the possibility of not providing for his family. The fear of not knowing what would happen next. How would we survive? As for me? Well I am not sure how… but I kept it together. I was scared and worried but not devastated at the possibility. I took on the view that we would be ok. One way or another we would make it through this time and we would survive. I was very careful to stay positive and optimistic. I didn’t want to add to the fear and pressure that Rick was already feeling by freaking out. One of us had to maintain a level head. In the end he was cleared (as we knew he would be) and life went on as usual. The pressure and fear was lifted.
Fast forwarding to today…
Rick just called to tell me that apparently we might be back in that scary boat once again. I do not know the details or the politics but someone is sending off the vibe that they want my husband gone. Rick is an intelligent man and he is very good at reading people and situations. So if he feels this vibe enough that he felt the need to call me and give me a heads up… It’s potentially VERY bad.
Of course I am totally confused because my husband is an EXCELLENT employee. He goes above and beyond every day at his job. He’s a salary employee who works well over his 40 hrs a week. You could almost call him a workaholic. He’s on time, honest and hardworking. I can’t think of any reasons why he should have a target on his head. But regardless of what I think or believe .. there is a target and it’s looming over our family.
I am fighting emotion right now. I feel that lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes and the urge to just sit down and cry. I am worried and a bit scared. But I am not worried about what will happen to us. We have a backup plan, so we won’t be sleeping in the street. I am worried about Rick. I know if this happens it will hit him hard. Much harder than the rest of us. I refuse to let my emotion take a hold of me. I am determined to stay positive for him. He needs me to be strong right now. Again… one of us has to keep a level head and a positive outlook. Especially since nothing has happened yet.
I know that this is going to seem silly, petty and immature… but. Why? We are good people. We help others when we can. We’re honest and we stay out of trouble. And yet we don’t seem to be able to catch a break. It feels like each time we turn around something else is going wrong. We always seem to be running for the door, barely making it, before its closed and locked. I know I shouldn’t complain because we are not suffering. We have what we need and lots of what we don’t need. But sometimes I just want to scream… Can’t something good ever come easily for us?! And I’m not talking about the lottery.. although that would be awesome! I just would love to have something be more secure and guaranteed. And yet, even as I beg and whine to the ceiling for it… I know that there are no guarantees in life.
We will be ok. I know that. I just wish we could be ok with a little less.. HARD.. in our lives.
Lately I have been a bit bitter, depressed, envious of others and their lives, frustrated and exhausted. I know some of this I cannot control. Sadly, it’s hardwired to start out screwed up in my brain. After all it is way too easy to fall into the cracks of my disability. You get tired of fighting yourself for control. I try so hard to push myself because I hate being a statistic and I do not like admitting that “I can’t ___” Whatever that may be at the moment. I can fill in that blank with so many things. Sometimes I have no choice but to deal with it because no matter how hard I push “I can’t.” Maybe only for the moment but often the “i can’t” will still be “I can’t” days, weeks and months later. Seems like it should be easy to accept, but it isn’t.
I don’t really know what I am bitter about. It’s no ones fault that I am broken. And when I really take a close look at my “envy” I find that I am happy with who I am and the life I am living. Even with the challenges I face every day. So I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I think that this is really the hardest part for me. It’s not the depression, paranoia or the mood swings. It’s not the insomnia or the exhaustion that literally makes me fall asleep standing up. It’s not even admitting when I can’t or that I have failed. The hardest part is not knowing why!!
Why do I feel certain things when there is no obvious reason (to me and/or to others) to be feeling them at that time? Why it’s almost impossible to move on from these strange thoughts and feelings that make no logical sense? I know the doctors would say the why is because of my disabilities. I get that, but I am looking beyond that summarized explanation. What causes Bipolar, ADHD, OCD, and phobias… on the physical level?? Like most of us, I do not like the unknown. Not knowing tends to be scary. It makes you feel powerless. I would love to look inside my brain and see the physical reasons why it works the way it does. They will never know what is really going on in brains like mine. They can speculate but the truth is there is no real way to know if they are correct or not. They can’t cut us open and poke around to see what happens, lol. At least not while we are alive. And if they do it postmortem the key ingredient they needs to study is gone. You can’t study the activity of the brain if it is dead.
Not knowing why is the hardest part for me. Probably because I can’t really explain to myself or to others. There isn’t a way that seems more real. People look at a blind person, someone in a wheelchair or someone with a disability they can see and they understand instantly without explanation. It’s something undeniable. Disabilities like mine can’t be seen. And they are ugly because they silently effect/steal the most important parts of who we are. (Very much like Alzheimer’s and Turrets syndrome.)
I don’t know if being able to physically examine my brain would help me. I am not sure it would bring me peace or acceptance of my fate. (It’s moot since it’s never a possibility, lol. I am thinking hypothetically of course.) But I think it is only natural to want a concrete answer. To have that tangible item in my hands going, “Aha.. this explains everything.”
I am thinking that maybe the bitterness is aimed towards the heavens. I can’t help it. Sometimes I just feel the immediate need to blame someone, anyone. And maybe the envy is popping up in quick peeks because I can’t help but to sometimes think: If only I wasn’t sick, I could do more and be more for myself and my family. But I am sick and it is no one’s fault.
I am pushing myself right now to take a deep breath and to accept that it is OK for me to feel a bit bitter and envious at times. And I think that this is something I can do.
I received this in my email today and I thought it was something that needed to be shared.
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is
the most requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more.”
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is
all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never
blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to
you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an
answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will
this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come…
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
I am going to be heading back to the camper for a couple days of rest. I love being there. It’s so peaceful and I love the smell of the campfire. We’re bring Tori again… so this should be tons of fun. I can’t wait!
