Tammy Talks Alot

Archive for the ‘Parenting Perspectives’ Category

Why I am Annoyed

1. Stupidity – or pretend stupidity. I am not sure which is worse.
2. Ignorance of life, Ignorance of the cost their actions have on others.
3. Laziness and no consideration for others or their property.

That about sums up the latest. My daughters exemplify these 3 traits daily. I pray this is just a teenager thing. I thought it was impossible for them to shock me or surprise me at this point but I was wrong. The increased lack of care for where they live and who they cause havoc has hit a new level of shock, surprise and disappointment.

And you know what is sad? It’s all small crap. Like…

• What is it about my daughter’s desire and obsessiveness, that she needs to waste and empty every cleaner, deodorizer, air freshener, etc. that I purchase and bring into our home? Every time I go for a cleaner it’s empty… or close to empty. I can buy a bottle of carpet cleaner, pinesol, Lysol, bleach cleaner, it doesn’t matter.. and within a week, maybe two if I am lucky, it will be gone. And NOTHING will be cleaned with it. I bought 2 cans of air freshener and a bottle of natures miracle (for pet smells) and they are all empty. I bought them less than 3 weeks ago. I have no idea what she uses them for. It’s irritating because when I need them they aren’t there and also there is the money factor. My money tree in the backyard died. So when she wastes things, and doesn’t seem to even think about who bought it and how will it get replaced, I get angry.
• My other daughter acts like she is severely mentally challenged. Mostly when she doesn’t want to be held accountable or responsible for things. Then she suddenly doesn’t remember, didn’t know, didn’t think it was a big deal…etc. One time she actually told me she, doesn’t like/want to think on her own. She wants me to give her instructions on anything I want from her. So, if there is a monster pile of shit in the middle of the floor, she would leave it there unless I specifically told her to clean it. Also I’d have to tell her what to use to clean it, or she’s grab something in appropriate to clean it. (like a good bath towel rather then paper towel) And then where to put it. And yes, I’d even have to tell her to take it outside to the garbage can or she would put it in the house and let it continue to kill us with the stench.
• Blowing off their responsibilities with attitude and defiance and then 5 minutes later holding out a hand going, “mom I want…”, “Mom can I go…”, “Mom can I do…” Plus they actually expect to get what they are wanting and tend to act surprised and shocked like innocent victims when we tell them no.

Please… Please let this just be a stage. Otherwise I might be forced to sell them at auction.

And This is AFTER I Calmed Down

I am going to start this in bullets. So I can’t get it all down. Warning…vulgarity and attitude below.

1. In May of this year, Caleb a.k.a the loser asshole hit Ashley. For the 4th time by my count, although Ashley denies this number. Foolishly, in my opinion, she took him back and forgave him in less than 24 hours. Needless to say I was appalled and outraged. I still do not understand why she would stay with someone who… gets physical whenever the mood strikes him, belittles her, mistreats her child, cusses at her WAY to often, controls and manipulates her into doing what he wants, and puts her down daily. In short; he abuses her… verbally, emotionally and physically!! Of course she claims this isn’t the case. But she knows I am not stupid and I see these people for what they truly are. We both know what is really going on. For some reason though she doesn’t seem capable of walking away. I only hope this doesn’t cost her or Victoria’s life in the long run.
2. Since long before the incident in May I had tried to be nice and friendly to this family. For over 4 years I have tried over and over. But they have not bothered to try and instead have been in constant competition with me since day one. Hence my claim that they are all controlling, manipulative, and abusive. I sum it up as they are loser scum! They lie, cheat, steal and abuse anyone and anything that they can.
3. In January of 2010 I starting talking to Ashley about Victoria’s birthday (which wasn’t till September) I wanted to get a jump on the planning and figure out the details. Right on cue they started trying to fuck everything up. They bitched about everything. Of course none of them planned on doing anything for her or spending any money to set up a party. But since it was on my time, effort and money they tried to control the whole thing. Now I am not sure what kind of crack they smoke but here in the real world you CANNOT tell someone else how to spend their money. I am amazed that they are cocky enough to even think they have that right. If they want things to go a certain way… get off your lazy cheap bullshitting ass… AND SPEND YOUR OWN FUCKING MONEY to make it happen. But that would mean they’d actually have to give a shit.. and they’d actually have to follow through with the things they say… and they’d have to spare some money from the crack they smoke to pay for it all. And they won’t do any of the above. They just love to cause trouble.
4. Well after the May incident I told Ashley that those people were NOT welcome in my home. And of course that means if I have a party they are NOT welcome to come and if they do they will be removed… period! I chose not to fight with her over this fact and felt should the need arise where I had to force my point, I would handle it then.
5. In June Ashley called to say that asshole’s family didn’t want to come here for a party. I was completely ok with this because they were not welcome here. Ashley didn’t know what to do. So I suggested separate parties or even having it at the park. Which is neutral ground for everyone.
6. Fast forward to a week ago. Ashley messaged me to say they we not going to have a party at all. While I understood her reasons I was irritated. And I was disgusted by asshole and his family. So I said, let’s at least have you and the baby come over for dinner. Then I called a couple other close family members and we set things up. It was nothing fancy, just a small get together, but it would be enjoyed by all of us.

Then yesterday evening Ashley messaged me again. Seems now that I have made it clear that I wouldn’t be ignoring my granddaughter’s birthday (because I am not a selfish lowlife loser like asshole and his family.)… and therefore I am making them all look like the “selfish lowlife losers” that they really are… they now wanted to have a party too! And surprise surprise they wanted to have it on the same day as the day I had now set it up for. SERIOUSLY!?!! Excuse my french but… What Fucking Assholes! Anything to cause trouble. Anything to manipulate Ashley. Since they weren’t in control and it didn’t rotate around them… they had to start shit.

The bottom line ended up to be this. The asshole was demanding to either have a party on the day I had choose or I was to let him come to the dinner I was planning. Well fuck that. The wife-beater can go fuck himself. He isn’t welcome in my home. And other family members feel the same way. Why would we want such a toxic person around?! What good has he brought to our lives? To Ashley’s life? To Victoria’s life? The truth is Victoria would be better off if he was dead or didn’t exist. Harsh… yes… the truth… yes!

He whined about how he was the “dad” and therefore should be included. Funny…. he didn’t seem to care that he was her “dad” when he had to set up a party on his own with his own money…he was CHOOSING to blow off his kid’s birthday and do nothing to celebrate it. He had NO plans to buy her anything. not even a small cake. Yeah… real nice father. He’s not a father. He is a sperm donor and that is all!!! Any fuck-tard can have a kid… that doesn’t make them a father. It takes a REAL man to be a father.  And the asshole isn’t a real man… and I don’t think he ever will be.

He has done next to NOTHING to help care for or pay for his child since she was born. Did he help feed her? Clothe her? get her diapers? NO no and no. Maybe… a big maybe… he may have bought 3 or 4 packages of diapers since she was born and maybe a few packages of wipes. And he bitched about it to her each time. I heard him say that he shouldn’t have to spend his money on her diapers…. that Ashley could and should go get them. Once i even heard him tell Ashley that she owed him the money back for them too.  And he might have given Ashley a whooping total… of MAYBE… 200-400 bucks… since Tori was conceived. Wooo wooo!  We should all kiss his ass for a couple hundred bucks?! I don’t think so. Was he willing to watch her? Nope, he fought Ashley EVERY time she needed him to watch his own child. he called it babysitting. Umm, it’s not babysitting if it is your own child!! He was always busy hanging out with friends or some other stupid shit. He always had some excuse for why he couldn’t or didn’t want to. She had to fight with him or beg and even that only bought her a couple dozen times of him helping watch the baby. And Tori is 2 years old. That’s 24 months that she has been alive. 730 days that she’s needed someone to care for her. How many of those days was he really there and helping with his kid… what 50?? 75?? maybe as many as 150. (But I doubt it.) Yeah that’s pathetic!

And his parents haven’t bothered to give a shit either. They rarely watched her too… not even for fun. They didn’t really ask about her or for her. Unless it was to try and screw me out of time with her or they knew it would piss Ashley off. They couldn’t be bothered to even buy her a birthday gift for her 1st Birthday! I mean come on.. you don’t have 5 bucks to buy her a book, a small toy, a shirt… something?? And last year at Christmas they went out at 9pm on Christmas eve and bought her a $20 gift… ONLY because Ashley got into a fight with the asshole about it. They had NO intention of getting her anything. But they each got hundreds of dollars worth of gifts for each other. All Victoria is to them is something to brag about. They don’t actually give a shit about her. They only do minor tiny things for her and ONLY when it is going to make them look good or inconvenience Ashley or me. Otherwise she doesn’t exist to them and they put forth zero effort.

I am hoping that Ashley doesn’t continue to allow this bullshit. Even if she stays with the asshole (and hopefully she won’t) she can still grown a pair and not allow them to treat her or Tori like this. Because if she doesn’t she will wake up one day and realize that she allowed these people to treat her child (and herself) like garbage. And she will finally see them for what they are and see all of the damage they have caused in and to Victoria. And then… She will hate herself for it because she allowed it to happen.

Ugh! I can’t stand those people. They are toxic poison! I wish Ashley could see that.

OMG!!!!!!

Ashley just messaged me with bad news. The small family dinner I had planned for Tori’s birthday is a no go. The asshole is apparently throwing a baby fit because he didn’t have control and he wasn’t allowed to make the decisions… oh and of course because he wasn’t included.

I told Ashley that i might consider including him in things if… in 2-3 years he hasn’t hit her and he’s acting like a normal man who treats her with respect and helps with their child… then I will re-evaluate. But until then he is not welcome in our home.

I told her I am not angry at her. But that isn’t entirely true. She has a choice too and she could choose not to let them control, intimidate, or manipulate her. She could put her foot down. I don’t understand why she doesn’t. Ugh!

How Dare I…

Ya know when I was a kid I knew how to show respect to others, especially adults. And I won’t say never… but I “almost” never went into my mother’s room, her drawers, her purse or anything like that. It was disrespectful. And I certainly didn’t take her things without asking. One it was rude and disrespectful and two I knew it would piss her off, lol. I was a fast learner, lol. You know the old saying… When mama is happy,everyone is happy. When mama is unhappy, everyone is miserable.

I have raised my kids to know what respect is and the proper ways to show it. I have taught them what is unacceptable and what won’t be tolerated. And yet… Like most kids they test the waters and rebel whenever possible. But as much as that bothers me; and I suspect I am not alone and it bothers all parents. I am more disturbed by the lack of care and remorse they show to disrespecting me directly. Obviously I had to have allowed this on some level and some point in time. They learned they can push me farther then say… Their father or grandmother. They take advantage of my willingness to compromise and forgive. And that seems to lull them into thinking it is ok. Ok to talk to me with a horrible attitude. Ok to take my things without asking…. over and over again. Ok to steal from me. (Sadly they have several times) And I don’t know what more I can do about it.

I might let the attitude go at times. The nasty tones slip (not really, I look the other way, lol) past my radar at times. But mostly that is because I am so easily triggered by them, especially the teenage attitudes that all kids go through, that if I dealt with it each timel… I’d be yelling, bitching and punishing them 24/7. Or damn close to it. I guess you could say, as far as the crabby teen parts go, I pick and choose my battles. But when it comes to taking my things, I haven’t let that slip by. I have  made it perfectly clear that this is not ok. I do not ignore it and they do not get away with it. Each time there is some kind of consequence and usually it’s big. And even still… Dani and Nikki think it’s ok.  They must, or they’d stop… or at least make it a rare thing (more like a typical child). But they don’t!

At least 6 times a week they take or use something or mine without asking. No that is not a guess or just a number slapped on the page. That is a real average for how often this occurs. And each time I snap at them and punish them for it. Most of the time they give me the doe-eyed expression of total innocence and act like they had absolutely no clue that what they did was wrong. In my head I hear the bullshit like…Ohh me Ohh my.. I am so sorry, golly gee I didn’t know. And we both know… they knew exactly what they were doing. Then of course they blame each other as much as possible. They did it cuz… they other one was doing… and therefore they had no choice. I won’t say “I” have failed to teach them correctly. Because I know I have taught them that all of the above behaviors are wrong. I have done all that any parent can do to guide them in the correct direction.

So I guess what I am really pondering is… As parents, do we all go through this? The majority anyways? Or are my kids broken? Since I know many kids from my own childhood and from now that do not take and steal from their parents I’m leaning towards my kids being broken in this department. And I am wondering if it’s a break that can be repaired. For their sakes, I hope so. The outside world won’t tolerate such behavior.

I think I am coming to a crossroads with my two girls. I remember as a teen being here with my mom. There comes a time when you have to move away from -  a mother teaching your child – and shift more towards making them see you are a fellow human being, no different then others walking out in the world. If I were a coworker, stranger, boss or even a friend certain things would just be a given. If you hit someone or steal from someone, the police are called. If your hurtful or rude you risk losing that friend. and so on. Children rarely see their parents and family in this light. They feel like those rules do not apply at home. And as a mom you have to pull back from mothering and shift into a fellow human being who expects to be treated a certain way. It’s really the only way I can see to making it real for them. Mom isn’t just bitching. I am not overreacting. And it is not ok, just because I am your mother.

My girls are old enough to know better. So I think it’s time that I start stepping back and start holding them to the standard I would expect out there in the world.

Irrational, I Know

I am feeling a bit silly about it. And I know on some levels it’s a bit irrational. But I am fighting a huge urge to sit down and cry.

I dropped Andrew off for his first day back to school. His first day of first grade. He’s so excited and I am so excited for him. But as I got into the car and drove away I found myself crying. He was in all-day Kindergarten last year. And I remember crying on his first day then too. You’d think I’d be over this and used to it. But… I’m not. He’s my baby, my youngest and my last. I don’t want anymore children… I know my limitations, lol.

I remember how quickly time passed once both of my girls were in school full time. And I know that history will repeat it’s self with Andrew. I am excited and looking forward to all his new discoveries, the new adventures and all the new things he is going to learn. I want him to have this. And I want to enjoy it with him. But I am still sad for what’s already gone and what is soon to pass. I remember holding his little hand when he first went to preschool. I remember rocking him to sleep each night till he was 2 years old. I am grateful that he is a cuddlier and very loving. He wants to sit by you, hug you and kiss you all of the time. He’s not embarrassed to have his mom around, lol. Although I know at some point that could change.

There are special moments that will stay in my memories and heart forever. And I know I will be adding more everyday. So I guess for now I am going to accept that this is natural, most mom’s go through it, and just have a good cry.

So Unfair!

Aaaa Waaaaaaah! Boo Hoo. Sooooooooooooob!  My poor babies are all sad and feeling picked on. I am big, mean and evil. GOOD! Then I am doing my job.

Besides it’s their own fault. The push and push. They take advantage of my willingness to cut them slack. They take advantage of my disability. And then they wonder why I lose it with them and get so angry. I mean come on… I know they aren’t that stupid. You can’t give nothing and expect tons in return. They have responsibilities, and they choose to blow them off…. but I am still expected to give whatever they want? not happening.

Sorry brats it’s not happening!!

Vertigo or Not A Go?

My youngest daughter, Nikki, is very trusting and very naive. ( as well as many other very wonderful qualities. ) She doesn’t always think things through and sometimes she forgets to look at the obvious. I know these things mostly because…. I know where she gets these traits from… ME!

The last 2 weeks of July,  and a couple days into August, my balance was off very badly. I was dizzy and nauseous and that left me generally feeling pretty icky. I thought maybe I had a head cold or something going on in my inner ear. Which still could have been the case and/or a contributing factor. I tend to have mild congestion all year long. Gotta love allergies. But after the first few days I was starting to get pretty upset. I fell several times and “almost” fell at least 2 dozen times. I was unsteady and always looking for a wall, person, or piece of furniture to grab. A few times it was so bad that I canceled plans or errands because I wouldn’t dare get into a car and drive. I could kill someone.

Have you ever got drunk? You know that feeling as you are sitting or laying of the entire room moving and spinning?? Many times this was what I was feeling in addition to terrible nauseousness, which is no surprise, lol.

I started thinking… maybe I have vertigo. And that does fit my symptoms too; just like the head cold. I stopped taking my appetite suppressor/metabolism medicine. I thought maybe it was this newly introduced medicine. Maybe it had built up in my system and that was causing it. Maybe it was having a bad reaction to my other medications, which I have to take. I had only been taking it since June 19th and it wasn’t a med that I needed to take.

Slowly the symptoms got better and better. So once they were gone for a few days I resumed taking my little weigh loss helper, lol. And the symptoms didn’t come back. So I am pretty sure it wasn’t that medication. I was at a loss for what the hell was going on.

And then my mom said to me, ” Well what about your regular meds? Do any of them have a possible side effect of dizziness and nauseousness?”

::: crickets ::::

“Umm, I don’t know mom.”

And why didn’t I know? Because I never bothered to read the inserts that came with my medication. Let’s say it all together now….. DUMBASS!! And I did recently, in May, add a new medicine to my daily routine too. I really like my doctor and I trust him. I am too trusting for my own good and I failed to look at the obvious possibility right in front of me.

So I got out the documentation and read it. And the verdict was. ::: drum roll please ::: All of my daily required medication lists dizziness and nauseousness as common side effects. So boy do I now feel pretty stupid. The symptoms have gone away for now but obviously could return. Honestly I don’t think I will ever really know what caused it this time. I think it was probably a combination of a head cold thing and my medication.

I have to remember to practice what I preach… Readers are Leaders. ::: snicker :::

That time again

Today I am registering the kids for school. I have mixed feelings about this. On one side I am sooooooo ready for them to go back to school. But I enjoy having them home too…most of the time, lol. But it’s time to go back. The girls go back on the 19th I believe and Drew goes on the 23nd I think. But there is so much more fun yet to come this year… so bring it on.

It’s Not About The Pan!

Well not entirely anyways. But that’s usually want the kid’s assume. “Oh mom’s complaining about… (insert item here)” And then they say how sorry they are over and over. When what they really mean is.. I am so sorry I am getting lectured or yelled at. Or I am so sorry that I got caught. But they rarely mean.. I am sorry I was disrespectful of you or your things.

Today a rather small thing got me crying. The girls looked at me like I had two heads and couldn’t quite understand what my problem was. The scene… Dani made brownie cupcakes on Thursday and  then placed the pan in the sink. It sat there till Friday night before it was washed. (which is kinda funny since she used papers and the pan only needed a quick wash and could have been put away.) It was never put away after washing it. Saturday afternoon, about 12:30. Rick and I pull out the paint. We were testing a new toy…a paint gun… by painting my mom’s future room. After we were done and everything was cleaned up Nikki came in to show us that the cupcake pan has paint speckles all over it. I am not sure how it was possible to get paint on this pan since it was on the opposite side of the house from where we painted. but somehow it did. I wasn’t real stable. I was feeling very off key emotionally. I was tired and irritable so I choose to ignore her and Rick scooted her off.  So then today. around 11:30 am. I am standing in the kitchen scrubbing paint off of my pan for over 25 minutes.

Now Nikki is quick to say.. I told you about that last night. And I agreed that she did. Dani’s attitude about it was to roll her eyes and tell me she’s get to it later. My problem is that I wasn’t capable of dealing with it last night. And I foolishly thought Danielle would take the initiative to clean it and put it away.. since it was her that pulled it out… cooked with it..left it sit for 2 days before cleaning it to only leave it out on the counter again… thereby making it possible to get paint on it.

But honestly this isn’t about the pan. It’s about the repeated disrespect. Disrespect of everything. Disrespect of me and my belongings. Disrespect for the money it takes to replace what they ruin. Disrespect for the home they live in. They ruin everything.. walls, furniture.. silverware, pans, towels, their clothing… you name it they ruin it. And they are never remorseful. They always give nasty attitude if you question them over it too. It’s like the girls think there is a “Magical Rotten kid” fund somewhere and for everything they… ruin, break, destroy, or lose… that fund will replace it.

I said to Dani… What if I went in your room.. and sat on your comforter and because I was cold I wrapped myself up in it… later when I got up and left your room you noticed a large ink stain… or red sticky candy stained in it… something that requires real work to remove/clean up…. on this comforter. And then on top of it.. I showed no remorse for damaging your property and I also looked at you and casually said, “leave it, I’ll get to it later.” Then I left it sit for days without taking care of the mess I created.

Her response to that was to roll her eyes.

They are 17 and 16 years old. It is WAY past the time when they should be more aware and courteous to how they treat their property and other peoples property. Sadly I have to accept that at this time in their lives… they still do not care to put forth the effort to be more respectful.

Ups and Downs

What should have been lots of fun has turned into a flaming pile of shit. Today I thought it would be nice to spend some time with my girls. Of course Drew would be in tow too. But even still I thought this could a great day. Yeah, who the fuck did I think I was fooling?

It all started out great. The girls mentioned homecoming and wanted to go check out some dresses. So we hopped into the car and went to the mall. At Deb they found some nice ones and began trying them on. Drew was a challenge but behaving for the most part. I found myself quickly frazzled because they all wanted my attention at the same time. But we worked it out. In the end we walked out with two beautiful dresses, two happy teenage girls and one very happy mom!! I was happy because I got both dresses for $43.00. Yes I said 43! (It was 42 and change after tax so I rounded) Original price would have been 310.00 plus tax. That’s a savings of 268 dollars!! And this is where the real fun began.

Within minutes off leaving the store the kids began to bicker. And minutes after that the attitudes started. At first it was mild snarkiness but it soon grew. Within -0 minutes of being home the full blown yelling started. Dani to Nikki, Nikki to Drew, Drew to Nikki, and of course Nikki was also dishing it back to Dani.

By the time we got home they we full out fighting with each other in small snipits and they were being bitchy to me openly now. I had to walk away and hide in my room. My feelings were hurt.

It eventually worked it’s self out because the girls started feeling guilty. But honestly I was just grateful for two things 1) That the bickering and attitude stopped. Even if it only was for a short time. And 2) If I am honest, and I was, I’d have to agree that I wasn’t having a good day to begin with, so I was glad to have a reason to let it go and pretend like everything was ok.