Tammy Talks Alot

Archive for the ‘Being BiPolar’ Category

It’s Not Her Fault…

… But … I am losing  my mind and my patience.

We have 2 cats. One of them is almost 18 years old. She’s not doing well. She’s underweight for sure. I am pretty sure we’re on the road to the end with her. She’s been with us so long that my husband and I are obviously upset. Even so, Rick and I disagree right now where she is concerned. I feel we should end her suffering and put her down. Rick feels that she isn’t suffering and I should leave it be. He’s argument is that she still eats and drinks and comes for attention. My argument is she looks, to me, like something out of “Pet Cemetery” (a movie by Stephen King) If she weighs 2-3 lbs I’d be surprised. She’s all skin and bones, literally. She’s lost her fur in random places. She doesn’t clean herself very well anymore. She looks uncomfortable and to me it would seem logical that she’d be in pain since she has no fat reserves to cushion her. Rick doesn’t believe she is in pain, he says she’s walking and moving just fine.

She is his baby, way more than she was ever mine. You know how animals pick that one person and that’s their “main squeeze.” (snicker) Well she chose him and our other cat chose me. So I understand why he’s not ready to let her go. And I feel horribly guilty even suggesting it to him. At the same time I find myself to be a bit resentful too. Because she keeps messing around the house. We can’t leave anything lying on the floor and that includes rugs and shoes. I don’t know why but she’s pretty much stopped using the liter box. And that’s huge. This is a cat who would use that liter box no matter what. It could be one solid mount of pee-hardened liter and she’s climb on top of the mountain and go. So her refusal to use it now is shocking and confusing.

We discovered she made a BIG mess behind our couch. Again! So I moved the couch today and began the cleaning process. I pulled out all of the stops this time; except to call in the Hazmat team.I think I won this war. The carpet is clean and smell free. The only bad part is that right now I can only smell one thing, bleach!

I know on many levels this isn’t her fault. She’s old and sick and if she was herself she would never be messing around the house. I try to remind myself of that. I do not want to hurt my husband unnecessarily and I also do not want her to suffer. It’s a bad spot to be sitting in. Right now I am taking peace in the knowledge that my home isn’t smelling. And what to do about her is going to have to wait for another day.

Never Gonna Get It

Lately I have been a bit bitter, depressed, envious of others and their lives, frustrated and exhausted. I know some of this I cannot control. Sadly, it’s hardwired to start out screwed up in my brain. After all it is way too easy to fall into the cracks of my disability. You get tired of fighting yourself for control. I try so hard to push myself because I hate being a statistic and I do not like admitting that “I can’t ___”  Whatever that may be at the moment. I can fill in that blank with so many things. Sometimes I have no choice but to deal with it because no matter how hard I push “I can’t.” Maybe only for the moment but often the “i can’t” will still be “I can’t” days, weeks and months later. Seems like it should be easy to accept, but it isn’t.

I don’t really know what I am bitter about. It’s no ones fault that I am broken. And when I really take a close look at my “envy” I find that I am happy with who I am and the life I am living. Even with the challenges I face every day. So I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I think that this is really the hardest part for me. It’s not the depression, paranoia or the mood swings. It’s not the insomnia or the exhaustion that literally makes me fall asleep standing up. It’s not even admitting when I can’t or that I have failed. The hardest part is not knowing why!!

Why do I feel certain things when there is no obvious reason (to me and/or to others) to be feeling them at that time? Why it’s almost impossible to move on from these strange thoughts and feelings that make no logical sense? I know the doctors would say the why is because of my disabilities. I get that, but I am looking beyond that summarized explanation. What causes Bipolar, ADHD, OCD, and phobias… on the physical level?? Like most of us, I do not like the unknown. Not knowing tends to be scary. It makes you feel powerless. I would love to look inside my brain and see the physical reasons why it works the way it does. They will never know what is really going on in brains like mine. They can speculate but the truth is there is no real way to know if they are correct or not. They can’t cut us open and poke around to see what happens, lol. At least not while we are alive. And if they do it postmortem the key ingredient they needs to study is gone. You can’t study the activity of the brain if it is dead.

Not knowing why is the hardest part for me. Probably because I can’t really explain to myself or to others. There isn’t a way that seems more real. People look at a blind person, someone in a wheelchair or someone with a disability they can see and they understand instantly without explanation. It’s something undeniable. Disabilities like mine can’t be seen. And they are ugly because they silently effect/steal the most important parts of who we are. (Very much like Alzheimer’s and Turrets syndrome.)

I don’t know if being able to physically examine my brain would help me. I am not sure it would bring me peace or acceptance of my fate. (It’s moot since it’s never a possibility, lol. I am thinking hypothetically of course.) But I think it is only natural to want a concrete answer. To have that tangible item in my hands going, “Aha.. this explains everything.”

I am thinking that maybe the bitterness is aimed towards the heavens. I can’t help it. Sometimes I just feel the immediate need to blame someone, anyone. And maybe the envy is popping up in quick peeks because I can’t help but to sometimes think: If only I wasn’t sick, I could do more and be more for myself and my family. But I am sick and it is no one’s fault.

I am pushing myself right now to take a deep breath and to accept that it is OK for me to feel a bit bitter and envious at times. And I think that this is something I can do.

So Unfair!

Aaaa Waaaaaaah! Boo Hoo. Sooooooooooooob!  My poor babies are all sad and feeling picked on. I am big, mean and evil. GOOD! Then I am doing my job.

Besides it’s their own fault. The push and push. They take advantage of my willingness to cut them slack. They take advantage of my disability. And then they wonder why I lose it with them and get so angry. I mean come on… I know they aren’t that stupid. You can’t give nothing and expect tons in return. They have responsibilities, and they choose to blow them off…. but I am still expected to give whatever they want? not happening.

Sorry brats it’s not happening!!

Old Passion, New Spark

So I have always loved photography. It’s been a pleasure for me for as long as I can remember. Several years back I finally got my first digital camera. And that’s when two things happened.. 1) I saved my family A LOT of money, since I was no longer buying 35 mm film by the box. And 2) I increased my picture taking 20 times over. As time went on I got a new digital camera, a Canon digital Rebel XTi, for my anniversary. (My husband is very good to me) I wanted this camera way back when there was no such things as digital, lol. I would have been very happy with the old 35mm version. Of course this would put us back in the poor house, since I’d be once again spending all of our money on film and film processing. But needless to say I was OVERJOYED! I have increased the amount of photos I take again since getting this camera in April of 2008.

Between then and now I have dabbled a bit here and there with trying to get more “professional” looking shots. Especially when doing portraits of my own children. And I have learned a lot and improved quite a bit too. But recently I have really started to experiment and explore my abilities. And I have reach a new height of what I am able to produce. This gives me more confidence and a renewed fire for this life long passion of mine. I have decided that I am going to start sharing my photos here as well.

These are some of my recent shots that I am especially proud of….

Away too long…

… my mind is spinning with things I want to say. Some of them nice… Some of them not so nice. But knowing me, most of them will be nice, lol. Give me time to catch up I promise I am going to in the morning. I have 2 posts from when I was camping that I have to upload and much more to say

Vertigo or Not A Go?

My youngest daughter, Nikki, is very trusting and very naive. ( as well as many other very wonderful qualities. ) She doesn’t always think things through and sometimes she forgets to look at the obvious. I know these things mostly because…. I know where she gets these traits from… ME!

The last 2 weeks of July,  and a couple days into August, my balance was off very badly. I was dizzy and nauseous and that left me generally feeling pretty icky. I thought maybe I had a head cold or something going on in my inner ear. Which still could have been the case and/or a contributing factor. I tend to have mild congestion all year long. Gotta love allergies. But after the first few days I was starting to get pretty upset. I fell several times and “almost” fell at least 2 dozen times. I was unsteady and always looking for a wall, person, or piece of furniture to grab. A few times it was so bad that I canceled plans or errands because I wouldn’t dare get into a car and drive. I could kill someone.

Have you ever got drunk? You know that feeling as you are sitting or laying of the entire room moving and spinning?? Many times this was what I was feeling in addition to terrible nauseousness, which is no surprise, lol.

I started thinking… maybe I have vertigo. And that does fit my symptoms too; just like the head cold. I stopped taking my appetite suppressor/metabolism medicine. I thought maybe it was this newly introduced medicine. Maybe it had built up in my system and that was causing it. Maybe it was having a bad reaction to my other medications, which I have to take. I had only been taking it since June 19th and it wasn’t a med that I needed to take.

Slowly the symptoms got better and better. So once they were gone for a few days I resumed taking my little weigh loss helper, lol. And the symptoms didn’t come back. So I am pretty sure it wasn’t that medication. I was at a loss for what the hell was going on.

And then my mom said to me, ” Well what about your regular meds? Do any of them have a possible side effect of dizziness and nauseousness?”

::: crickets ::::

“Umm, I don’t know mom.”

And why didn’t I know? Because I never bothered to read the inserts that came with my medication. Let’s say it all together now….. DUMBASS!! And I did recently, in May, add a new medicine to my daily routine too. I really like my doctor and I trust him. I am too trusting for my own good and I failed to look at the obvious possibility right in front of me.

So I got out the documentation and read it. And the verdict was. ::: drum roll please ::: All of my daily required medication lists dizziness and nauseousness as common side effects. So boy do I now feel pretty stupid. The symptoms have gone away for now but obviously could return. Honestly I don’t think I will ever really know what caused it this time. I think it was probably a combination of a head cold thing and my medication.

I have to remember to practice what I preach… Readers are Leaders. ::: snicker :::

Letter To My Father…

Dear Dad,

Hi. I hope you are doing well up there in…well.. heaven. I’d like to believe you’ve gone somewhere peaceful. I’m really not a spiteful person and I hope you didn’t suffer when you died. I think about you more now than I did when you were alive. Kinda odd huh? It’s probably because of what we left unsaid. There really wasn’t any closure. I know you probably do not want to listen, but I hope you will.

Ya know dad, when I wrote you that first email, that was me reaching out as an adult to try and rediscover a relationship with you. I was 25, bitter and confused. As well as hurt. I was trying to tell you, show you, why I was so bitter and angry. I spoke of my childhood from age 5 till I turned 16. And ok.. maybe I didn’t do it right, maybe I was still pushing blame around. But I tried. I tried because I wanted to understand. So I opened that door. I wasn’t expecting your reply to be what it was. I expected you to be snarky and maybe push some of the blame back. But I thought you would want to rekindle a relationship with me. Instead you removed all of your responsibility for everything.  And made it very clear that you did not want me in your life. We hadn’t spoke… at that point… for 2 years but that didn’t seem to bother you at all. And because of that I, responded back with more bitterness and anger. I was outraged at some of the things you said. So I told myself I was wasting my time trying to rekindle anything with you, because obviously you didn’t care or want a relationship with me.

And from that point on we never spoke again. I didn’t understand what I could have done that was so horrible that you didn’t love me and want to be my father. That hurt very deeply, but I was determined to never show it, so it because disgust and anger. And then 7 years later, when I was 32, you died.

Since then I have missed you and I have even shed tears over you. And I do have a tender spot in my heart that aches deeply. But after giving it much thought and soul searching I have discovered this. I do miss you, or rather the 5 year old me misses you. The 10 year old me cries for you. The 16 year old me hurts that you are gone. But the 37 year old me, she feels some sadness, but not for your death. She feels sadness for the death of an idea. The idea of a father, a real and true father. I am sad that you and I never had that. For so long I wanted that from you. I wanted your approval like a drug user wants their next fix. And for awhile after you died I was very upset with the fact that we would never have that.

But as time passed I have gained some clarity. I am realizing that you really weren’t capable of that. And if you were still alive you would be the same man who has already died. I am discovering that nothing was wrong with me. I didn’t do anything to deserve being ignored by you. But what is past can’t be changed. And I am also at peace with it now. I have made a choice to let go of the anger. I have tried many times to achieve this and have only partially succeeded. This time I know I am going to be ok. Yes I will still miss you a bit and yeah I will also feel a bit sad for what never was and for what never could be. But I have taken the 5 yr old me, the 10 yr old me, and the 16 yr old me, and cuddled them all close. I have assured those parts of myself that I am going to be ok.

And in case you are wondering, I would never have wished you to die. I am sure that I have wished a few times for some bad guys to get a couple of good shots in before you wrestled them down and cuffed them. Hell I would have paid to see that, lol. But never anything lethal. I hope you have found peace Dad; because I know I have.

-Tammy

Forgetful Me

When I was growing up I would forget things all of the time. There never seemed to be a rhyme or reason for it. But as I have gotten older I see that I am still forgetting things. And of course I now know the reasons why. But why I forget things isn’t what this post is about. I wanted to reach out to the world out there and ask… How do you help yourself remember? What methods work best for you?

I have tried writing things in a date book. And that works wonderfully except that I forget to check the date book, lol. I make lists when I am going shopping and that helps… when I remember to bring the list. Lots of times I come home from the store (with way more than I went for) and find my list smiling at me from the counter or kitchen table. So I know when used as intended, lists and date books, outlook/online calendars, work wonders. But are there other ways? Is there a simpler way? Possibly even a simpler way to remember to go to those things and see what I need to remember. Or am I doomed to a life of forgetting half of the time and covering my house with post-it notes the other half?

If anyone has any better ideas… let me know. At this point I’m thinking post-its are going to become very popular around here.

Numb but not surprised

I went for my required doctors visit today. It wasn’t so bad. A bit creepy but not bad. But I have to wonder if my spacey-ness that I have been feeling come on all day today since the appointment was related to what I was told. I am sure it is.

He found “evidence” of a bunch of new crap that I suspected, and other stuff that didn’t feel right but I didn’t know that there names for it nor did I know “I” fit into the category of having these things. In addition to ADHD, (rapid cycling) Bipolar, and what i thought was regular depression… It seems that I can add chronic depression and chronic anxiety to my list of issues along with OCD and agoraphobia.

I mean they make sense and I see them in me, more than just a little bit too. But having it spelled out by a doctor took me a bit to swallow. I don’t talk about some of this, but people close to me know I stress out easily, I worry about crap before I need to, I almost never go out alone. I can go out alone but I avoid it as much as I can because when I am alone I am so uncomfortable and overwhelmed. And sometimes I am fearful, but I can’t explain why except that I am out… alone. You would think that would be the hardest for me to handle but the worst and hardest part is that I don’t tell anyone what I am feeling because I feel so stupid and ashamed. I mean come on, who at 37, is afraid to go to a movie, or the store, alone? So I am embarrassed to admit that, and I hide behind excuses for why I conveniently wait to do most things till I am with someone.

I know in the logical side of my brain that this was just the roll of the dice. It was the hand I was dealt and none of this is controllable and also is nothing to be ashamed of, but. Still I feel like a freak. I don’t say it often because it upsets the people close to me. They do not want me to feel that way. I try to make light of it all, make it all a joke. But inside, I feel that way. I find myself wondering why at times, but I know there is no answer for that question.

I feel alone and isolated, even though I am surrounded by family. Again I know it doesn’t make sense, yet I can’t shake the feeling. I want to be normal, whatever that is. I want to not be an emotional disaster flipping from one to another. I want to not have to second guess most of decisions, especially where the kids are concerned, because my emotions are so out of whack I am not sure if I am being rational. I want to not be afraid/very uncomfortable to venture out alone. I want to have a week, or better still a month, where I don’t have anxiety attacks that make me feel unstable and out of control. I would love to hold onto a thought or task. I would love to have normal sleep schedule. I want to not feel guilty all the time because I feel like I am a screwing up my kids with my instability. There I go again, worrying about stuff that I am probably just imagining and over analyzing. Ugh!

Sometimes they way my kids or my husband look at me, I can tell they are, I don’t know what word to use, “tired” of me or at least my antics, which I have limited control over. I can see the look on my husband’s face when I fail, like with working, and I know I have let him down.

These things bother me all of the time. But today having it all laid out on the table. I felt exposed and naked. It all came flooding on to me a once. And now I am numb and empty. I guess I have retreated my emotions inward, shut down.

The doctor recommended some more treatment options. I am considering them. Some I think would be helpful. Others I am not sure about. I guess I just need more time to let it all sink in.

It’s Not About The Pan!

Well not entirely anyways. But that’s usually want the kid’s assume. “Oh mom’s complaining about… (insert item here)” And then they say how sorry they are over and over. When what they really mean is.. I am so sorry I am getting lectured or yelled at. Or I am so sorry that I got caught. But they rarely mean.. I am sorry I was disrespectful of you or your things.

Today a rather small thing got me crying. The girls looked at me like I had two heads and couldn’t quite understand what my problem was. The scene… Dani made brownie cupcakes on Thursday and  then placed the pan in the sink. It sat there till Friday night before it was washed. (which is kinda funny since she used papers and the pan only needed a quick wash and could have been put away.) It was never put away after washing it. Saturday afternoon, about 12:30. Rick and I pull out the paint. We were testing a new toy…a paint gun… by painting my mom’s future room. After we were done and everything was cleaned up Nikki came in to show us that the cupcake pan has paint speckles all over it. I am not sure how it was possible to get paint on this pan since it was on the opposite side of the house from where we painted. but somehow it did. I wasn’t real stable. I was feeling very off key emotionally. I was tired and irritable so I choose to ignore her and Rick scooted her off.  So then today. around 11:30 am. I am standing in the kitchen scrubbing paint off of my pan for over 25 minutes.

Now Nikki is quick to say.. I told you about that last night. And I agreed that she did. Dani’s attitude about it was to roll her eyes and tell me she’s get to it later. My problem is that I wasn’t capable of dealing with it last night. And I foolishly thought Danielle would take the initiative to clean it and put it away.. since it was her that pulled it out… cooked with it..left it sit for 2 days before cleaning it to only leave it out on the counter again… thereby making it possible to get paint on it.

But honestly this isn’t about the pan. It’s about the repeated disrespect. Disrespect of everything. Disrespect of me and my belongings. Disrespect for the money it takes to replace what they ruin. Disrespect for the home they live in. They ruin everything.. walls, furniture.. silverware, pans, towels, their clothing… you name it they ruin it. And they are never remorseful. They always give nasty attitude if you question them over it too. It’s like the girls think there is a “Magical Rotten kid” fund somewhere and for everything they… ruin, break, destroy, or lose… that fund will replace it.

I said to Dani… What if I went in your room.. and sat on your comforter and because I was cold I wrapped myself up in it… later when I got up and left your room you noticed a large ink stain… or red sticky candy stained in it… something that requires real work to remove/clean up…. on this comforter. And then on top of it.. I showed no remorse for damaging your property and I also looked at you and casually said, “leave it, I’ll get to it later.” Then I left it sit for days without taking care of the mess I created.

Her response to that was to roll her eyes.

They are 17 and 16 years old. It is WAY past the time when they should be more aware and courteous to how they treat their property and other peoples property. Sadly I have to accept that at this time in their lives… they still do not care to put forth the effort to be more respectful.