Tammy Talks Alot

Archive for the ‘Till Death Do Us Part’ Category

Crisis Averted… Maybe?

Well the verdict is that Rick’s boss is just… well.. not in the best mood lately. (to put it nicely) He has apparently become alienated from his entire staff and none of them feel good about coming to work anymore. He makes them all walk on eggs shells constantly wondering if they are going to get the axe. And we are all going… Wahhh! While also shaking our heads in confusion, because this isn’t the man we know. Even I had been around Rick’s boss enough to get to know him. And this isn’t in his normal character. At least not from what I have seen through the years. I am wondering if we should do an intervention or maybe just check his house for seedpods. (It’s a reference to the movie, Body Snatchers. My mom and I use this to help explain why teens suddenly go crazy at age 13.)

At this point no one can feel secure of their job. That’s a common theme all over the country. And it’s hit home at Rick’s place of employment now too. For my husband’s sanity and health I really hope the stress level around there drops a bit.

Potentially Very Bad

Last April we had some tense moments with my husband’s job. While we were on vacation out of state, some crap went on at his work, and when we returned and he went to work no one seemed to be on the same page as to what was going on. Somehow in all the confusion my husband was accused of being involved with the crap that happened while we were gone.  Obviously that was impossible since… we were gone, lol. But nevertheless it was a scary time because good people were losing their jobs every day. The economy sucks right now. And my husband is the bread winner around here. He’s the man that brings in the moolah. The idea of losing the income that keeps the roof over our heads and the food in our bellies is a very scary thing.

Of course Rick was worried sick and was feeling that pressing guilt at the possibility of not providing for his family. The fear of not knowing what would happen next. How would we survive? As for me?  Well I am not sure how… but I kept it together. I was scared and worried but not devastated at the possibility. I took on the view that we would be ok. One way or another we would make it through this time and we would survive. I was very careful to stay positive and optimistic. I didn’t want to add to the fear and pressure that Rick was already feeling by freaking out. One of us had to maintain a level head. In the end he was cleared (as we knew he would be) and life went on as usual. The pressure and fear was lifted.

Fast forwarding to today…

Rick just called to tell me that apparently we might be back in that scary boat once again. I do not know the details or the politics but someone is sending off the vibe that they want my husband gone. Rick is an intelligent man and he is very good at reading people and situations. So if he feels this vibe enough that he felt the need to call me and give me a heads up… It’s potentially VERY bad.

Of course I am totally confused because my husband is an EXCELLENT employee. He goes above and beyond every day at his job. He’s a salary employee who works well over his 40 hrs a week. You could almost call him a workaholic. He’s on time, honest and hardworking. I can’t think of any reasons why he should have a target on his head. But regardless of what I think or believe .. there is a target and it’s looming over our family.

I am fighting emotion right now. I feel that lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes and the urge to just sit down and cry. I am worried and a bit scared. But I am not worried about what will happen to us. We have a backup plan, so we won’t be sleeping in the street. I am worried about Rick. I know if this happens it will hit him hard. Much harder than the rest of us. I refuse to let my emotion take a hold of me. I am determined to stay positive for him. He needs me to be strong right now. Again… one of us has to keep a level head and a positive outlook. Especially since nothing has happened yet.

I know that this is going to seem silly, petty and immature… but. Why? We are good people. We help others when we can. We’re honest and we stay out of trouble. And yet we don’t seem to be able to catch a break. It feels like each time we turn around something else is going wrong. We always seem to be running for the door, barely making it, before its closed and locked. I know I shouldn’t complain because we are not suffering. We have what we need and lots of what we don’t need. But sometimes I just want to scream… Can’t something good ever come easily for us?! And I’m not talking about the lottery.. although that would be awesome!  I just would love to have something be more secure and guaranteed. And yet, even as I beg and whine to the ceiling for it… I know that there are no guarantees in life.

We will be ok. I know that. I just wish we could be ok with a little less.. HARD.. in our lives.

Bungle # 5, 623,809

My husband doesn’t ask a whole bunch from me. He loves me completely, all of me.  He does his best to be supportive of my disability. Which is difficult for him at times. Like most people out there, since it’s not something they can see physically, it takes acknowledgment that it exists to be supportive. And sometimes it’s easy to think I do some of this shit on purpose. Not that he doesn’t believe I was saddled with a boatload of issues from the DNA Gods. He can see it daily in my actions and behavior. Ok, I got off track a bit… He’s very tolerant for the lack of what I do too, lol. If I was supposed to go shopping and don’t… he’s cool with it. If the house is messy or dinner consists of sandwiches… he’s cool with it. So when he asks me to do something specific I do my best to remember to do it. Usually I am successful… about 80% of the time anyway.

Last night he asked me to move his work clothes into the dryer before I came to bed. I said sure no problem and he made a half joking/half serious crack that he’d be finding them in the washer in the morning. And I was mildly offended. I didn’t get to bed till Midnight. I was messing around with my photography and had to force myself away from the PC.

So I woke up this morning and head towards the bathroom and it hit me like a slap in the head. The clothes!! I forgot to move them into the dryer, just as he “joked”. Right now I feel like such a sucky wife. I know this one act doesn’t make this a fact, but I am so disgusted with myself. Like I said he doesn’t ask me to do specific things very often. And in my defense I do make sure he has the things that he enjoys here at home. We have a good system, lol. But this was important. And because I am a screw up he had to wake up, find it not done, put them in the dryer himself, and wait till one was dry enough to wear to work this morning. My husband works 12 hours a day. He  doesn’t take off, he doesn’t call in sick. He is a good man and a good provider. He makes sure we have what we need.While I on the other hand sit home each day… not working…. because of my disability. Which puts more of a financial strain on us and of course more pressure on him.

::: sigh :::

The least I can do is remember the things he asks of me. I feel like the worst wife ever. I couldn’t even put some clothes in the dryer.

I am so sorry Babe…

No Guarantees

Life comes with a seal that is stamped… No Guarantees. There are no manuals giving us directions on how to handle each new experience or adventure we encounter. There is no safety net. There is no rewind button or eraser either. Today I am feeling very sentimental. And very grateful for the blessings in my life.

If we are lucky, we will find that in our lives we have people to rely on, enjoy life with, and relate too. Our parents… siblings….best friends… spouses… children. It’s different for everyone. I have been very lucky. I have my mom… who has always been there for me. As I have grown up she and I have become closer than I could have ever hoped for. My best friend, Lynn.. who shares life adventures with me (we keep each other sane and smiling, lol)… My kids… who sometimes make me mental, lol. But always fill me with pride and joy. They are blessings that I will be forever grateful to have in my life. And my husband…. without him my life would be missing something huge. I would feel empty, lost and as if a part of me was ripped away and erased.

My husband is my second half in a very literal sense. He’s the other half of my soul. He and I have had our ups and downs. There have been tears, and laughter, arguments and hurt feelings.  But it all levels out and the most important thing is the love we share. With each day I have become more appreciative of that connection and love. It has matured as we have matured. And it is more than the lustful period of the beginning… more than the comfort that settles in during the years that follow. We see each other for who are, good and bad. I always thought that I loved him as much as was possible, but what they say is true, that love grows. It swells to consume you. And with each year it continues to grow. Good or bad… Sickness or health… richer or poorer… I am his till death do we part. And I couldn’t feel more content or complete than I do in his arms.

So no… life has no manual or guarantee. But it doesn’t need to. Follow your heart and you will find what you are looking for.

iDream of iPhone 4

I love the new iPhone! It’s sleek and sexy and yet it is filled with cool features. Rick and I are switching to AT&T soon and we are both getting one. And let me tell you I feel like I am 6 years old waiting for Santa to arrive so I can open my presents, lol. I know it is silly to get so hyped up over a phone but I can’t help it, lol.

I first fell in love with Apple when I got my first iPod and then when I got my iPod touch I was hooked. That little gadget can do SO many things. My only complaint is that once I get away from a Wifi connection some of my favorite apps won’t work. So once I get the new iPhone that will no longer be a problem. hehehe.

I’m filled with joy!

The Races

Yesterday we had a great time at the NHRA Nationals. Most what we watched was qualifying. But it was a lot of fun anyways. Paul and Lynn joined us and the 4 of us had a blast!

Did you ever…

Sneak off into the woods, To steal a kiss from your honey?! I remember as a teen doing this and seeing others do it… And today on my 17th Anniversary….My honey and I did just that. We went walking through the hiking trails… they have them all over this campground… and we stole a few kisses. Just him and I! Getting in touch with our youthful sides.. hehe.

17 Wonderful Years

Today my husband and I have been married for 17 long and wonderful years. We’ve had our ups and our downs… but there have been far more good days then anything else.  I love him with all my heart… he completes me! I am looking forward to another 17 years and more together.

For My Anniversary…

My honey is gonna get me this ring….

So Ready…but where did the time go?

For spring…

For sunshine…

For a break!

Rick and I will be celebrating out 17th wedding anniversary on April 16th, 2010. I have 2 kids turning 20 and 17 this month and I have no idea where the time has gone. My husband turns 41 on February 24th. My baby is 6 already?!!! I have a head full of gray hair! I’m 36…I remember back when I thought 36 was old.