Tammy Talks Alot

Archive for the ‘Emotional Me’ Category

It’s Not Her Fault…

… But … I am losing  my mind and my patience.

We have 2 cats. One of them is almost 18 years old. She’s not doing well. She’s underweight for sure. I am pretty sure we’re on the road to the end with her. She’s been with us so long that my husband and I are obviously upset. Even so, Rick and I disagree right now where she is concerned. I feel we should end her suffering and put her down. Rick feels that she isn’t suffering and I should leave it be. He’s argument is that she still eats and drinks and comes for attention. My argument is she looks, to me, like something out of “Pet Cemetery” (a movie by Stephen King) If she weighs 2-3 lbs I’d be surprised. She’s all skin and bones, literally. She’s lost her fur in random places. She doesn’t clean herself very well anymore. She looks uncomfortable and to me it would seem logical that she’d be in pain since she has no fat reserves to cushion her. Rick doesn’t believe she is in pain, he says she’s walking and moving just fine.

She is his baby, way more than she was ever mine. You know how animals pick that one person and that’s their “main squeeze.” (snicker) Well she chose him and our other cat chose me. So I understand why he’s not ready to let her go. And I feel horribly guilty even suggesting it to him. At the same time I find myself to be a bit resentful too. Because she keeps messing around the house. We can’t leave anything lying on the floor and that includes rugs and shoes. I don’t know why but she’s pretty much stopped using the liter box. And that’s huge. This is a cat who would use that liter box no matter what. It could be one solid mount of pee-hardened liter and she’s climb on top of the mountain and go. So her refusal to use it now is shocking and confusing.

We discovered she made a BIG mess behind our couch. Again! So I moved the couch today and began the cleaning process. I pulled out all of the stops this time; except to call in the Hazmat team.I think I won this war. The carpet is clean and smell free. The only bad part is that right now I can only smell one thing, bleach!

I know on many levels this isn’t her fault. She’s old and sick and if she was herself she would never be messing around the house. I try to remind myself of that. I do not want to hurt my husband unnecessarily and I also do not want her to suffer. It’s a bad spot to be sitting in. Right now I am taking peace in the knowledge that my home isn’t smelling. And what to do about her is going to have to wait for another day.

Crisis Averted… Maybe?

Well the verdict is that Rick’s boss is just… well.. not in the best mood lately. (to put it nicely) He has apparently become alienated from his entire staff and none of them feel good about coming to work anymore. He makes them all walk on eggs shells constantly wondering if they are going to get the axe. And we are all going… Wahhh! While also shaking our heads in confusion, because this isn’t the man we know. Even I had been around Rick’s boss enough to get to know him. And this isn’t in his normal character. At least not from what I have seen through the years. I am wondering if we should do an intervention or maybe just check his house for seedpods. (It’s a reference to the movie, Body Snatchers. My mom and I use this to help explain why teens suddenly go crazy at age 13.)

At this point no one can feel secure of their job. That’s a common theme all over the country. And it’s hit home at Rick’s place of employment now too. For my husband’s sanity and health I really hope the stress level around there drops a bit.

Potentially Very Bad

Last April we had some tense moments with my husband’s job. While we were on vacation out of state, some crap went on at his work, and when we returned and he went to work no one seemed to be on the same page as to what was going on. Somehow in all the confusion my husband was accused of being involved with the crap that happened while we were gone.  Obviously that was impossible since… we were gone, lol. But nevertheless it was a scary time because good people were losing their jobs every day. The economy sucks right now. And my husband is the bread winner around here. He’s the man that brings in the moolah. The idea of losing the income that keeps the roof over our heads and the food in our bellies is a very scary thing.

Of course Rick was worried sick and was feeling that pressing guilt at the possibility of not providing for his family. The fear of not knowing what would happen next. How would we survive? As for me?  Well I am not sure how… but I kept it together. I was scared and worried but not devastated at the possibility. I took on the view that we would be ok. One way or another we would make it through this time and we would survive. I was very careful to stay positive and optimistic. I didn’t want to add to the fear and pressure that Rick was already feeling by freaking out. One of us had to maintain a level head. In the end he was cleared (as we knew he would be) and life went on as usual. The pressure and fear was lifted.

Fast forwarding to today…

Rick just called to tell me that apparently we might be back in that scary boat once again. I do not know the details or the politics but someone is sending off the vibe that they want my husband gone. Rick is an intelligent man and he is very good at reading people and situations. So if he feels this vibe enough that he felt the need to call me and give me a heads up… It’s potentially VERY bad.

Of course I am totally confused because my husband is an EXCELLENT employee. He goes above and beyond every day at his job. He’s a salary employee who works well over his 40 hrs a week. You could almost call him a workaholic. He’s on time, honest and hardworking. I can’t think of any reasons why he should have a target on his head. But regardless of what I think or believe .. there is a target and it’s looming over our family.

I am fighting emotion right now. I feel that lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes and the urge to just sit down and cry. I am worried and a bit scared. But I am not worried about what will happen to us. We have a backup plan, so we won’t be sleeping in the street. I am worried about Rick. I know if this happens it will hit him hard. Much harder than the rest of us. I refuse to let my emotion take a hold of me. I am determined to stay positive for him. He needs me to be strong right now. Again… one of us has to keep a level head and a positive outlook. Especially since nothing has happened yet.

I know that this is going to seem silly, petty and immature… but. Why? We are good people. We help others when we can. We’re honest and we stay out of trouble. And yet we don’t seem to be able to catch a break. It feels like each time we turn around something else is going wrong. We always seem to be running for the door, barely making it, before its closed and locked. I know I shouldn’t complain because we are not suffering. We have what we need and lots of what we don’t need. But sometimes I just want to scream… Can’t something good ever come easily for us?! And I’m not talking about the lottery.. although that would be awesome!  I just would love to have something be more secure and guaranteed. And yet, even as I beg and whine to the ceiling for it… I know that there are no guarantees in life.

We will be ok. I know that. I just wish we could be ok with a little less.. HARD.. in our lives.

Never Gonna Get It

Lately I have been a bit bitter, depressed, envious of others and their lives, frustrated and exhausted. I know some of this I cannot control. Sadly, it’s hardwired to start out screwed up in my brain. After all it is way too easy to fall into the cracks of my disability. You get tired of fighting yourself for control. I try so hard to push myself because I hate being a statistic and I do not like admitting that “I can’t ___”  Whatever that may be at the moment. I can fill in that blank with so many things. Sometimes I have no choice but to deal with it because no matter how hard I push “I can’t.” Maybe only for the moment but often the “i can’t” will still be “I can’t” days, weeks and months later. Seems like it should be easy to accept, but it isn’t.

I don’t really know what I am bitter about. It’s no ones fault that I am broken. And when I really take a close look at my “envy” I find that I am happy with who I am and the life I am living. Even with the challenges I face every day. So I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I think that this is really the hardest part for me. It’s not the depression, paranoia or the mood swings. It’s not the insomnia or the exhaustion that literally makes me fall asleep standing up. It’s not even admitting when I can’t or that I have failed. The hardest part is not knowing why!!

Why do I feel certain things when there is no obvious reason (to me and/or to others) to be feeling them at that time? Why it’s almost impossible to move on from these strange thoughts and feelings that make no logical sense? I know the doctors would say the why is because of my disabilities. I get that, but I am looking beyond that summarized explanation. What causes Bipolar, ADHD, OCD, and phobias… on the physical level?? Like most of us, I do not like the unknown. Not knowing tends to be scary. It makes you feel powerless. I would love to look inside my brain and see the physical reasons why it works the way it does. They will never know what is really going on in brains like mine. They can speculate but the truth is there is no real way to know if they are correct or not. They can’t cut us open and poke around to see what happens, lol. At least not while we are alive. And if they do it postmortem the key ingredient they needs to study is gone. You can’t study the activity of the brain if it is dead.

Not knowing why is the hardest part for me. Probably because I can’t really explain to myself or to others. There isn’t a way that seems more real. People look at a blind person, someone in a wheelchair or someone with a disability they can see and they understand instantly without explanation. It’s something undeniable. Disabilities like mine can’t be seen. And they are ugly because they silently effect/steal the most important parts of who we are. (Very much like Alzheimer’s and Turrets syndrome.)

I don’t know if being able to physically examine my brain would help me. I am not sure it would bring me peace or acceptance of my fate. (It’s moot since it’s never a possibility, lol. I am thinking hypothetically of course.) But I think it is only natural to want a concrete answer. To have that tangible item in my hands going, “Aha.. this explains everything.”

I am thinking that maybe the bitterness is aimed towards the heavens. I can’t help it. Sometimes I just feel the immediate need to blame someone, anyone. And maybe the envy is popping up in quick peeks because I can’t help but to sometimes think: If only I wasn’t sick, I could do more and be more for myself and my family. But I am sick and it is no one’s fault.

I am pushing myself right now to take a deep breath and to accept that it is OK for me to feel a bit bitter and envious at times. And I think that this is something I can do.

And This is AFTER I Calmed Down

I am going to start this in bullets. So I can’t get it all down. Warning…vulgarity and attitude below.

1. In May of this year, Caleb a.k.a the loser asshole hit Ashley. For the 4th time by my count, although Ashley denies this number. Foolishly, in my opinion, she took him back and forgave him in less than 24 hours. Needless to say I was appalled and outraged. I still do not understand why she would stay with someone who… gets physical whenever the mood strikes him, belittles her, mistreats her child, cusses at her WAY to often, controls and manipulates her into doing what he wants, and puts her down daily. In short; he abuses her… verbally, emotionally and physically!! Of course she claims this isn’t the case. But she knows I am not stupid and I see these people for what they truly are. We both know what is really going on. For some reason though she doesn’t seem capable of walking away. I only hope this doesn’t cost her or Victoria’s life in the long run.
2. Since long before the incident in May I had tried to be nice and friendly to this family. For over 4 years I have tried over and over. But they have not bothered to try and instead have been in constant competition with me since day one. Hence my claim that they are all controlling, manipulative, and abusive. I sum it up as they are loser scum! They lie, cheat, steal and abuse anyone and anything that they can.
3. In January of 2010 I starting talking to Ashley about Victoria’s birthday (which wasn’t till September) I wanted to get a jump on the planning and figure out the details. Right on cue they started trying to fuck everything up. They bitched about everything. Of course none of them planned on doing anything for her or spending any money to set up a party. But since it was on my time, effort and money they tried to control the whole thing. Now I am not sure what kind of crack they smoke but here in the real world you CANNOT tell someone else how to spend their money. I am amazed that they are cocky enough to even think they have that right. If they want things to go a certain way… get off your lazy cheap bullshitting ass… AND SPEND YOUR OWN FUCKING MONEY to make it happen. But that would mean they’d actually have to give a shit.. and they’d actually have to follow through with the things they say… and they’d have to spare some money from the crack they smoke to pay for it all. And they won’t do any of the above. They just love to cause trouble.
4. Well after the May incident I told Ashley that those people were NOT welcome in my home. And of course that means if I have a party they are NOT welcome to come and if they do they will be removed… period! I chose not to fight with her over this fact and felt should the need arise where I had to force my point, I would handle it then.
5. In June Ashley called to say that asshole’s family didn’t want to come here for a party. I was completely ok with this because they were not welcome here. Ashley didn’t know what to do. So I suggested separate parties or even having it at the park. Which is neutral ground for everyone.
6. Fast forward to a week ago. Ashley messaged me to say they we not going to have a party at all. While I understood her reasons I was irritated. And I was disgusted by asshole and his family. So I said, let’s at least have you and the baby come over for dinner. Then I called a couple other close family members and we set things up. It was nothing fancy, just a small get together, but it would be enjoyed by all of us.

Then yesterday evening Ashley messaged me again. Seems now that I have made it clear that I wouldn’t be ignoring my granddaughter’s birthday (because I am not a selfish lowlife loser like asshole and his family.)… and therefore I am making them all look like the “selfish lowlife losers” that they really are… they now wanted to have a party too! And surprise surprise they wanted to have it on the same day as the day I had now set it up for. SERIOUSLY!?!! Excuse my french but… What Fucking Assholes! Anything to cause trouble. Anything to manipulate Ashley. Since they weren’t in control and it didn’t rotate around them… they had to start shit.

The bottom line ended up to be this. The asshole was demanding to either have a party on the day I had choose or I was to let him come to the dinner I was planning. Well fuck that. The wife-beater can go fuck himself. He isn’t welcome in my home. And other family members feel the same way. Why would we want such a toxic person around?! What good has he brought to our lives? To Ashley’s life? To Victoria’s life? The truth is Victoria would be better off if he was dead or didn’t exist. Harsh… yes… the truth… yes!

He whined about how he was the “dad” and therefore should be included. Funny…. he didn’t seem to care that he was her “dad” when he had to set up a party on his own with his own money…he was CHOOSING to blow off his kid’s birthday and do nothing to celebrate it. He had NO plans to buy her anything. not even a small cake. Yeah… real nice father. He’s not a father. He is a sperm donor and that is all!!! Any fuck-tard can have a kid… that doesn’t make them a father. It takes a REAL man to be a father.  And the asshole isn’t a real man… and I don’t think he ever will be.

He has done next to NOTHING to help care for or pay for his child since she was born. Did he help feed her? Clothe her? get her diapers? NO no and no. Maybe… a big maybe… he may have bought 3 or 4 packages of diapers since she was born and maybe a few packages of wipes. And he bitched about it to her each time. I heard him say that he shouldn’t have to spend his money on her diapers…. that Ashley could and should go get them. Once i even heard him tell Ashley that she owed him the money back for them too.  And he might have given Ashley a whooping total… of MAYBE… 200-400 bucks… since Tori was conceived. Wooo wooo!  We should all kiss his ass for a couple hundred bucks?! I don’t think so. Was he willing to watch her? Nope, he fought Ashley EVERY time she needed him to watch his own child. he called it babysitting. Umm, it’s not babysitting if it is your own child!! He was always busy hanging out with friends or some other stupid shit. He always had some excuse for why he couldn’t or didn’t want to. She had to fight with him or beg and even that only bought her a couple dozen times of him helping watch the baby. And Tori is 2 years old. That’s 24 months that she has been alive. 730 days that she’s needed someone to care for her. How many of those days was he really there and helping with his kid… what 50?? 75?? maybe as many as 150. (But I doubt it.) Yeah that’s pathetic!

And his parents haven’t bothered to give a shit either. They rarely watched her too… not even for fun. They didn’t really ask about her or for her. Unless it was to try and screw me out of time with her or they knew it would piss Ashley off. They couldn’t be bothered to even buy her a birthday gift for her 1st Birthday! I mean come on.. you don’t have 5 bucks to buy her a book, a small toy, a shirt… something?? And last year at Christmas they went out at 9pm on Christmas eve and bought her a $20 gift… ONLY because Ashley got into a fight with the asshole about it. They had NO intention of getting her anything. But they each got hundreds of dollars worth of gifts for each other. All Victoria is to them is something to brag about. They don’t actually give a shit about her. They only do minor tiny things for her and ONLY when it is going to make them look good or inconvenience Ashley or me. Otherwise she doesn’t exist to them and they put forth zero effort.

I am hoping that Ashley doesn’t continue to allow this bullshit. Even if she stays with the asshole (and hopefully she won’t) she can still grown a pair and not allow them to treat her or Tori like this. Because if she doesn’t she will wake up one day and realize that she allowed these people to treat her child (and herself) like garbage. And she will finally see them for what they are and see all of the damage they have caused in and to Victoria. And then… She will hate herself for it because she allowed it to happen.

Ugh! I can’t stand those people. They are toxic poison! I wish Ashley could see that.

OMG!!!!!!

Ashley just messaged me with bad news. The small family dinner I had planned for Tori’s birthday is a no go. The asshole is apparently throwing a baby fit because he didn’t have control and he wasn’t allowed to make the decisions… oh and of course because he wasn’t included.

I told Ashley that i might consider including him in things if… in 2-3 years he hasn’t hit her and he’s acting like a normal man who treats her with respect and helps with their child… then I will re-evaluate. But until then he is not welcome in our home.

I told her I am not angry at her. But that isn’t entirely true. She has a choice too and she could choose not to let them control, intimidate, or manipulate her. She could put her foot down. I don’t understand why she doesn’t. Ugh!

Irrational, I Know

I am feeling a bit silly about it. And I know on some levels it’s a bit irrational. But I am fighting a huge urge to sit down and cry.

I dropped Andrew off for his first day back to school. His first day of first grade. He’s so excited and I am so excited for him. But as I got into the car and drove away I found myself crying. He was in all-day Kindergarten last year. And I remember crying on his first day then too. You’d think I’d be over this and used to it. But… I’m not. He’s my baby, my youngest and my last. I don’t want anymore children… I know my limitations, lol.

I remember how quickly time passed once both of my girls were in school full time. And I know that history will repeat it’s self with Andrew. I am excited and looking forward to all his new discoveries, the new adventures and all the new things he is going to learn. I want him to have this. And I want to enjoy it with him. But I am still sad for what’s already gone and what is soon to pass. I remember holding his little hand when he first went to preschool. I remember rocking him to sleep each night till he was 2 years old. I am grateful that he is a cuddlier and very loving. He wants to sit by you, hug you and kiss you all of the time. He’s not embarrassed to have his mom around, lol. Although I know at some point that could change.

There are special moments that will stay in my memories and heart forever. And I know I will be adding more everyday. So I guess for now I am going to accept that this is natural, most mom’s go through it, and just have a good cry.

So Disgusting!

My heart aches and I find myself wanting to break down and cry. Not for myself or my family but for 2 small children (ages 18 months and 2 years old.) who were murdered by their own mother. I know this happens a lot these days, but this story hit me hard. Probably because,  not only were these innocent children brutally murdered, but there are signs of struggle! Which means those babies knew who was hurting them in the moments before they died. I can’t even think about the terror and confusion that they must have been feeling without crying and morning those sweet children that I don’t even know. The mother has shown little to no remorse for what she did. She was actually quoted saying, ‘If I don’t have these toddlers, I can be free.’” I don’t know anything more disgusting that this. There were other options!

I am outraged! Children are blessings. Sure they stress you out and make you mad at times. Sure they screw up and make mistakes. And yeah we have to discipline them at times too. But they are precious blessings that also light up this world. I can’t imagine a life without my children. Each day they make me smile and laugh. I wake each morning grateful to have them in my life. They bring so much joy and so many adventures into my life. I could never harm them.

I am usually not a hateful person… but I hope she suffers for what she has done! Part of me wants to see her get the death penalty and part of me hopes she gets life without parole and is placed into the general population. I say general population so that the other prisoners, most of which feel that crimes upon children are inexcusable, can torture her and give her a small incite to how she must have made those babies feel.

I wish there was a way to rid this world of people like this woman. Dump them all out on an island somewhere and let them live out what is left of their life there.

Vertigo or Not A Go?

My youngest daughter, Nikki, is very trusting and very naive. ( as well as many other very wonderful qualities. ) She doesn’t always think things through and sometimes she forgets to look at the obvious. I know these things mostly because…. I know where she gets these traits from… ME!

The last 2 weeks of July,  and a couple days into August, my balance was off very badly. I was dizzy and nauseous and that left me generally feeling pretty icky. I thought maybe I had a head cold or something going on in my inner ear. Which still could have been the case and/or a contributing factor. I tend to have mild congestion all year long. Gotta love allergies. But after the first few days I was starting to get pretty upset. I fell several times and “almost” fell at least 2 dozen times. I was unsteady and always looking for a wall, person, or piece of furniture to grab. A few times it was so bad that I canceled plans or errands because I wouldn’t dare get into a car and drive. I could kill someone.

Have you ever got drunk? You know that feeling as you are sitting or laying of the entire room moving and spinning?? Many times this was what I was feeling in addition to terrible nauseousness, which is no surprise, lol.

I started thinking… maybe I have vertigo. And that does fit my symptoms too; just like the head cold. I stopped taking my appetite suppressor/metabolism medicine. I thought maybe it was this newly introduced medicine. Maybe it had built up in my system and that was causing it. Maybe it was having a bad reaction to my other medications, which I have to take. I had only been taking it since June 19th and it wasn’t a med that I needed to take.

Slowly the symptoms got better and better. So once they were gone for a few days I resumed taking my little weigh loss helper, lol. And the symptoms didn’t come back. So I am pretty sure it wasn’t that medication. I was at a loss for what the hell was going on.

And then my mom said to me, ” Well what about your regular meds? Do any of them have a possible side effect of dizziness and nauseousness?”

::: crickets ::::

“Umm, I don’t know mom.”

And why didn’t I know? Because I never bothered to read the inserts that came with my medication. Let’s say it all together now….. DUMBASS!! And I did recently, in May, add a new medicine to my daily routine too. I really like my doctor and I trust him. I am too trusting for my own good and I failed to look at the obvious possibility right in front of me.

So I got out the documentation and read it. And the verdict was. ::: drum roll please ::: All of my daily required medication lists dizziness and nauseousness as common side effects. So boy do I now feel pretty stupid. The symptoms have gone away for now but obviously could return. Honestly I don’t think I will ever really know what caused it this time. I think it was probably a combination of a head cold thing and my medication.

I have to remember to practice what I preach… Readers are Leaders. ::: snicker :::

Letter To My Father…

Dear Dad,

Hi. I hope you are doing well up there in…well.. heaven. I’d like to believe you’ve gone somewhere peaceful. I’m really not a spiteful person and I hope you didn’t suffer when you died. I think about you more now than I did when you were alive. Kinda odd huh? It’s probably because of what we left unsaid. There really wasn’t any closure. I know you probably do not want to listen, but I hope you will.

Ya know dad, when I wrote you that first email, that was me reaching out as an adult to try and rediscover a relationship with you. I was 25, bitter and confused. As well as hurt. I was trying to tell you, show you, why I was so bitter and angry. I spoke of my childhood from age 5 till I turned 16. And ok.. maybe I didn’t do it right, maybe I was still pushing blame around. But I tried. I tried because I wanted to understand. So I opened that door. I wasn’t expecting your reply to be what it was. I expected you to be snarky and maybe push some of the blame back. But I thought you would want to rekindle a relationship with me. Instead you removed all of your responsibility for everything.  And made it very clear that you did not want me in your life. We hadn’t spoke… at that point… for 2 years but that didn’t seem to bother you at all. And because of that I, responded back with more bitterness and anger. I was outraged at some of the things you said. So I told myself I was wasting my time trying to rekindle anything with you, because obviously you didn’t care or want a relationship with me.

And from that point on we never spoke again. I didn’t understand what I could have done that was so horrible that you didn’t love me and want to be my father. That hurt very deeply, but I was determined to never show it, so it because disgust and anger. And then 7 years later, when I was 32, you died.

Since then I have missed you and I have even shed tears over you. And I do have a tender spot in my heart that aches deeply. But after giving it much thought and soul searching I have discovered this. I do miss you, or rather the 5 year old me misses you. The 10 year old me cries for you. The 16 year old me hurts that you are gone. But the 37 year old me, she feels some sadness, but not for your death. She feels sadness for the death of an idea. The idea of a father, a real and true father. I am sad that you and I never had that. For so long I wanted that from you. I wanted your approval like a drug user wants their next fix. And for awhile after you died I was very upset with the fact that we would never have that.

But as time passed I have gained some clarity. I am realizing that you really weren’t capable of that. And if you were still alive you would be the same man who has already died. I am discovering that nothing was wrong with me. I didn’t do anything to deserve being ignored by you. But what is past can’t be changed. And I am also at peace with it now. I have made a choice to let go of the anger. I have tried many times to achieve this and have only partially succeeded. This time I know I am going to be ok. Yes I will still miss you a bit and yeah I will also feel a bit sad for what never was and for what never could be. But I have taken the 5 yr old me, the 10 yr old me, and the 16 yr old me, and cuddled them all close. I have assured those parts of myself that I am going to be ok.

And in case you are wondering, I would never have wished you to die. I am sure that I have wished a few times for some bad guys to get a couple of good shots in before you wrestled them down and cuffed them. Hell I would have paid to see that, lol. But never anything lethal. I hope you have found peace Dad; because I know I have.

-Tammy