Tammy Talks Alot

Archive for the ‘Baby Talk’ Category

Irrational, I Know

I am feeling a bit silly about it. And I know on some levels it’s a bit irrational. But I am fighting a huge urge to sit down and cry.

I dropped Andrew off for his first day back to school. His first day of first grade. He’s so excited and I am so excited for him. But as I got into the car and drove away I found myself crying. He was in all-day Kindergarten last year. And I remember crying on his first day then too. You’d think I’d be over this and used to it. But… I’m not. He’s my baby, my youngest and my last. I don’t want anymore children… I know my limitations, lol.

I remember how quickly time passed once both of my girls were in school full time. And I know that history will repeat it’s self with Andrew. I am excited and looking forward to all his new discoveries, the new adventures and all the new things he is going to learn. I want him to have this. And I want to enjoy it with him. But I am still sad for what’s already gone and what is soon to pass. I remember holding his little hand when he first went to preschool. I remember rocking him to sleep each night till he was 2 years old. I am grateful that he is a cuddlier and very loving. He wants to sit by you, hug you and kiss you all of the time. He’s not embarrassed to have his mom around, lol. Although I know at some point that could change.

There are special moments that will stay in my memories and heart forever. And I know I will be adding more everyday. So I guess for now I am going to accept that this is natural, most mom’s go through it, and just have a good cry.

So Unfair!

Aaaa Waaaaaaah! Boo Hoo. Sooooooooooooob!  My poor babies are all sad and feeling picked on. I am big, mean and evil. GOOD! Then I am doing my job.

Besides it’s their own fault. The push and push. They take advantage of my willingness to cut them slack. They take advantage of my disability. And then they wonder why I lose it with them and get so angry. I mean come on… I know they aren’t that stupid. You can’t give nothing and expect tons in return. They have responsibilities, and they choose to blow them off…. but I am still expected to give whatever they want? not happening.

Sorry brats it’s not happening!!

It’s Not About The Pan!

Well not entirely anyways. But that’s usually want the kid’s assume. “Oh mom’s complaining about… (insert item here)” And then they say how sorry they are over and over. When what they really mean is.. I am so sorry I am getting lectured or yelled at. Or I am so sorry that I got caught. But they rarely mean.. I am sorry I was disrespectful of you or your things.

Today a rather small thing got me crying. The girls looked at me like I had two heads and couldn’t quite understand what my problem was. The scene… Dani made brownie cupcakes on Thursday and  then placed the pan in the sink. It sat there till Friday night before it was washed. (which is kinda funny since she used papers and the pan only needed a quick wash and could have been put away.) It was never put away after washing it. Saturday afternoon, about 12:30. Rick and I pull out the paint. We were testing a new toy…a paint gun… by painting my mom’s future room. After we were done and everything was cleaned up Nikki came in to show us that the cupcake pan has paint speckles all over it. I am not sure how it was possible to get paint on this pan since it was on the opposite side of the house from where we painted. but somehow it did. I wasn’t real stable. I was feeling very off key emotionally. I was tired and irritable so I choose to ignore her and Rick scooted her off.  So then today. around 11:30 am. I am standing in the kitchen scrubbing paint off of my pan for over 25 minutes.

Now Nikki is quick to say.. I told you about that last night. And I agreed that she did. Dani’s attitude about it was to roll her eyes and tell me she’s get to it later. My problem is that I wasn’t capable of dealing with it last night. And I foolishly thought Danielle would take the initiative to clean it and put it away.. since it was her that pulled it out… cooked with it..left it sit for 2 days before cleaning it to only leave it out on the counter again… thereby making it possible to get paint on it.

But honestly this isn’t about the pan. It’s about the repeated disrespect. Disrespect of everything. Disrespect of me and my belongings. Disrespect for the money it takes to replace what they ruin. Disrespect for the home they live in. They ruin everything.. walls, furniture.. silverware, pans, towels, their clothing… you name it they ruin it. And they are never remorseful. They always give nasty attitude if you question them over it too. It’s like the girls think there is a “Magical Rotten kid” fund somewhere and for everything they… ruin, break, destroy, or lose… that fund will replace it.

I said to Dani… What if I went in your room.. and sat on your comforter and because I was cold I wrapped myself up in it… later when I got up and left your room you noticed a large ink stain… or red sticky candy stained in it… something that requires real work to remove/clean up…. on this comforter. And then on top of it.. I showed no remorse for damaging your property and I also looked at you and casually said, “leave it, I’ll get to it later.” Then I left it sit for days without taking care of the mess I created.

Her response to that was to roll her eyes.

They are 17 and 16 years old. It is WAY past the time when they should be more aware and courteous to how they treat their property and other peoples property. Sadly I have to accept that at this time in their lives… they still do not care to put forth the effort to be more respectful.

Sweet 16. . . Again.

Today my baby girl turned 16. I can’t believe how quickly all of my girls have grown up. At least it seems like only yesterday that they were running through the living room chasing after each other laughing and squealing the whole time. I remember those days so well it’s as if I was watching a recording play back in my mind. Her smile still lights up the room and I cannot believe that anyone on this planet is more loving or generous then she is. Her laughter is contagious and almost always gets laugh from me… or at the very least a smile. Although I am bit biased. lol.  Nikki is so stubborn too. I’m pretty sure she gets that from both her father and I. We are both as equally hard-headed. But she can be very reasonable. Give her time to chew on something and she almost always comes back, after the raw emotion cools down, and is willing to talk things through. The last 16 years with her have been a roller coaster of wonders. Some really awesome…a few bad… but many.. just…normal and average.

As crazy as life gets around here… I wouldn’t change a thing. Well ok, maybe a few teeny tiny things, lol. In spite of it all… the negative things we’ve encountered together and those Nikki has taken on alone… I am still very proud of her. Being a girl and 16 is not easy. And she started this journey with the deck already stacked thanks to my fabulous DNA contribution. Inside she is such a good person. She has a heart of gold. She doesn’t always think before acting or speaking. And when she is scared or hurt, she reacts like me, She shows you anger. Because it’s an emotion that gives us the illusion of control and it allows us to hide our real feelings. She’s so much like me it is scary! My clone, lol. And I know at times Nikki has made some bad choices and has given the appearance of a bad ass. She’s said some pretty nasty things too. But when it comes down to the moment of truth… Nikki wouldn’t harm a soul. She just puts up a shield of bullshit to defend herself from those she finds threatening. And I can say that with complete confidence. Nikki is a gentle soul trapped in a world she doesn’t quite understand how to deal with. But she will… in time she will master those skills. I really do have faith that 20 years from now when I look back and she’s 36 (after the teen yuck as fallen off)… I will be overwhelmed with pride for my daughter.

Of all the girls…I think Nikki will be the most likely find a place in this world that she loves. She will be the one who, in the end, is comfortable being herself. She will be the one walking through a park…alone or with her child/children…just enjoying life and the world around her. She’s beautiful inside and out. I have learned so much from her, from being her mom, then I thought was possible. We just gotta get her through this thing that they call “being a teenager” And if she allows me to (and I pray she does)… I will be there with her, for as many steps as God allows, holding her hand, keeping her company, offering a shoulder to lean on and hand to help her up when she falls.

Nikki.. I hope you will always remember that I am here for you. And that I only want the best for you. I am not perfect and I make mistakes too. I am so proud of you. I hope this year, being 16, is a year you will always remember.

I love you!

Crash Boom Bam

We had two incidents while camping this weekend.

The first was Victoria fell down the camper stairs!  Ahhh! I was so scared. The little shit took off for the door and beat me there. She pushed on the screen and over she went. Of course she immediately started crying as if someone cut off a limb. I expected to see blood everywhere when she was picked up, but we were lucky.  I am very grateful that she only received a scrape on her arm. It did bruise in the same spot. But that’s small compared to what could have happened. Lesson learned… keep both doors closed when Tori is in the camper and not just the screen. She can’t push open the big door.

Secondly.. We have to try and get Tori to realize that she can’t walk in front of, or in back of, a swing when someone is on it swinging. She walked behind Drew while he was on the swing and BAM… face plant! of course she wailed like a limb was cut off again, lol. And when I picked her up she was covered with dirt and mulch. It was in her mouth, her nose… everywhere. After that she was velcro-baby to me for about 2 hours, lol. I can’t say I blame her, lol.

Little Sick Kids… Suck.

My poor baby. He was up last night vomiting. He said he didn’t want to wake me. And then again this morning. He has a fever that just won’t go away. I’ve resorted to tossing him in the tub every couple hours. Hopefully we can beat this today.

More Disappointment!

Do they think I am stupid? Do they think I talk just to hear my own voice?! Gosh this is so irritating. I should get a recorder and just record myself and that way I can play it over and over without making myself hoarse. And they have the nerve to look at me and their father and act surprised, hurt and offended when their father and I set the discipline and tell them what their future holds.

They believe things like.. Internet, Cellphones, Going out with friends… that these things are rights… like breathing. And they aren’t ,they are privileges… As I have told them many times. And Rick and I have been seriously discussing switching to a different Cell company. And we’ve also recently talked a lot about how we will not be getting Dani and Nikki new phones or a phone line. They will go without one until they earn one! We had not fully decided yet.

Our reasons…

1. They’re irresponsible and do not take care of their things, particularly their electronics… but they do not take care of their other stuff either…. clothing, furniture, cellphones, cameras, ipods and so on. They rip, cut or right on almost ever piece of clothing they own. They do not care if someone spend their hard earned money on it either. They’ve destroyed their dresser and in the past they’ve killed bookcases, end tables, shelves and a desk. They have broken, lost or given away their ipods. They have broken or lost parts to every camera they’ve ever received. They’ve each gone through about 4 speaker sets for their old computers which they had for 4 years. And they have gone through at least 8 sets of headphones, a piece, in the last 18 months or so.
2. Neither of them can seem to stay out of trouble for very long. If I give them too much time with their friends ( meaning more then 1 or 2 days) they start sneaking off to do crap they know they aren’t supposed to. If I let my guard down for a second the school is calling me telling me that they are in some sort of trouble or the police are at my door. Last year they were both in LAC (in-school suspension) for a total of 18 days and had out-of-school suspension for 2 weeks… EACH. Thankfully none of the run-ins with the police had equaled to jail time, juvenile hall or probation. But if they keep on this road it’s only a matter of time.
3. Also Dani and Nikki both have trouble keeping their grades up. I only ask for C’s or better. But no worse than C’s. Dani failed Chemistry both semesters and got D’s in many other places. Nikki didn’t fail anything but she came VERY close and she brought home her fair share of D’s as well.
4. They do not speak to us with respect. They do not show us respect. They do not speak to each other with respect either. I mean I could over-look the occasional outburst provided they caught themselves and curbed it. But the disrespect is the rule around here rather then the exception with them.

Today one daughter dropped her phone into a bucket of water, because she insists on putting it into her shirt when she’s not on it and then she bent over the bucket. I have repeated told her this sort of thing was going to happen and asked her not to put the cellphone into her shirt. Does she listen?? NO! And the other daughter, who is grounded for lying and sneaking to do things she’s not supposed to do, went behind my back to do something I told her not to (again) and when I called her on it she then lied to me about it (again).

So after today I think it is VERY clear that our children do not respect us nor do they have any respect for their belongings or how much those belongings cost. And since that is the case… Rick & I will not be buying them anything, outside of necessity things, until they earn it.

For Her Own Good

I have had to put Nikki on lock down. This time because she’s lying to us so she can sneak off and see that 21 year old man. Who, I feel the need to repeat, has a criminal record which includes sexual assault. He’s a registered pedophile. I was dead on when I said this issue isn’t over. He continues to try and see her…. And she is encouraging him. I have had to call the police once and an incident report was made. He left the scene before all the facts of his parole came out… so they didn’t arrest him. Her searching him out makes my job that much more difficult. I have had no choice and I hate being put in this situation but I have to do what I can to protect her. Even if that means I have to protect her from herself!

One Day…

One day… probably a long time from now…She will understand why I am doing this. Right now however…she hates me.

Why does she hate me?? Because I won’t let her date a 21 year old man! She is 15 years old!!! She doesn’t see that I am trying to protect her. All she sees is I am trying to “ruin her life.” She thinks she knows everything and has all her bases covered. She doesn’t think anything bad could ever happen to her. She blindly believes everything this man tells her. After only dating a few days,( before I discovered this insanity and put a stop to it.) they were telling each other they love each other. How could you love someone you’ve only just started dating? He doesn’t love her… he just wants an easy piece of ass.

I have told her she is not to see or talk to him because he is too old for her. And I called this man and told him if he called my daughter or came anywhere near her I would have him arrested. Hopefully I was clear enough to both of them. But I suspect this will not end here.

So Sweet…

Drew’s teacher made this video. She personalized one for each of her students. It is the sweetest gift and such a great idea. Of course it made me cry as well. My baby is growing up… he’s going to 1st grade in what?.. 3 months?? I think this is making me hyperventilate. I am so so sooooo excited for what is yet to come. 1st Grade…Cub Scouts… and oh so much more! But it is bittersweet because that means he’s growing up and he’s not a baby anymore.

I tried uploading the original video but it was not cooperating. So… here’s a video of the video, lol. Come cry with me!

Click this link to watch the video >>>>>> Kindergarten <<<<<