Tammy Talks Alot

My New Tattoo

I’m so excited, I absolutly LOVE it. It’s beautiful, chaotic, and colorful… just like my children! I’m so glad I got it.

Feeling so much better!

Misty and I met up last night and we had a great time catching up. Gosh I really missed her. It was exactly the kind of thing I really wanted to be able to do with her…Sit and chat and laugh. It felt good and like we haven’t miss as much of each other’s lives. It made me feel more involved with her and I hope I gave her that same feeling.

Now we just have to plan a day so the kids can see her… they are excited to. I’m gonna have to break out some pictures too. I have pictures from when she was little, of us together, and she wants to see them… heheh.

Completely Let Down

I don’t want to sound bitter, but I’m not surprised. I am angry at myself for getting my hopes up and getting so excited. I think that in the back of my mind; I expected this outcome. I mean I don’t want to be a jerk about this, but… Misty hasn’t really bothered to make me a part of her everyday life… since she was 3. ok.. maybe more like 7. I have tried over and over through the years… but I usually give up and fade into the background after several failed attempts. Mostly because it hurts and I get so depressed. I begin feeling like I’m pushing in where I’m not wanted, so I back off. And if that’s not the intended message that they meant to send, I wish they would find a way to show it… so I wouldn’t give up.

I really wanted her to come to Nikki’s graduation party this past Saturday. It was VERY important to me to have her here. And while one part of me understands that shit happends and things come up… the other part of me thinks,  it was typical. This is exactly how it has been her entire life…almost. Shit always happens and stuff always comes up.. and the end result is I’m never included because of one excuse or another. They’re always too busy, or someone is sick, or they just plain have forgotten about me… which has happened on several occasions as I was growing up.  Most of this is my father’s doing. He allowed all of them on his side of the family to see me as an outsider… that distant relative that you hardly see. But that isn’t fair and isn’t how it should be. And it certainly isn’t what I would have chosen nor is it what I want.I want my sister in my life. I want my cousins in my life. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call them to chat… just because.

And ya know I keep coming back to basic morals and values. I was raised to be taught that if someone meant something to you… you MADE time for them. And it hurts me to see that she’s always so busy and “unable” to get together. Her world feels impenetrable and no matter what way I try, I seem shut off. I can’t help but wonder… does she want to get together with me… I mean REALLY want to. Because if she did… wouldn’t she make time? Wouldn’t she make it important?

I know a good part of that is the disappointment talking. I’m not giving up just yet, but I am going to try to not let myself get sucked in my excitement. That way if it falls though I won’t feel so damned depressed. I really want a future with her in my life.

I Want To Cry…

… but I’m trying hard not too. Dani hates me and she makes it very obvious. All I get from her these days is bitchy attitude and I’m hitting a wall with her. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. She told me to my face yesterday that she’d rather be with her boyfriend and be happy then spend time with me on my birthday. (Yesterday I turned 36). That really hurt me. She says she’s moving out a.s.a.p and that she wants to leave. She says it at least 15 times a day.

I’m tired of trying to keep her here when she doesn’t want to be. I’m tired of the fighting. I’m tired of the contant drama and uproar to our home. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m frustrated. Nothing is working with her.

Cool Presents

For graduation Nikki couldn’t decide what she wanted her Aunt and Uncle to get her. And after a alot of discussion she finally made up her mind…

She decided on a turtle, and named him Fido

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I am 36 years old. Did you hear that?? 36?! That’s pretty old… lol! Ok so no, it’s still pretty young, lol But some days I feel old. I’ve got gray hair and a grandchild… Those things tend to make ya feel old, hehe.

Back when I was young I don’t think I pictured myself to be here at 36. I can’t really remember where I thought I’d be at 36 actually, lol. Where ever it was though, I’m glad I’m here instead of there, where ever that might have been. I’m happy with my life and with who I am. I love my family and wouldn’t trade them for the world. (except for that split second when I’m mad, lol) I have a husband who loves me with all his heart, four healthy beautiful kids and one adorable grand baby. Honestly in the big picture of things I have the world in my hand. I am blessed and today I feel it more then I did before.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Sweetest Moment

I need to tell you that Drew has one of our old cellphones. It has power but no sim card. So we play pretend a lot.

Drew: Mommy, I sent you a text message.

Me: You did? Well let me go check. Hmmm, Does it say “I’m starting up my Sims game?”

Drew: { Laughing } Noooo. It says, I love you.

Me: Ohhh It does, doesn”t. Thank you baby. I love you too.

Drew: Yeah cuz I love you more then the whole world.

I hope I remember that moment forever. My baby boy is growing up so quickly

Back On Meds

Well I went to the doctor a week or so ago and requested medication again. My emotions were so out of wack I felt like I had no choice. My rages were insane and my manic states were making it difficult to get any sleep. But I’m better now. I can feel the medicine working. So it’s a new day for me. I’m looking forward to enjoying it.

My Baby Girl – Graduates

… 8th grade that is.  I’m so proud of her!

Who Turned Up The Heat?!

Yesterday was very warm around these parts. I enjoyed most of it, until I had to go to work. And I guess it turned out to be a good thing.. that it was warm I mean… because that prompted us to buy this…

More pictures are up on my flickr.